Decision 2008:Will Disappointment Drive Us Apart?

It’s time for us to consider what we will say to our friends and family if our favorite presidential candidate, heaven forbid, should happen to lose.
This primary process has been so complex, with so many variables, that political pundits can’t even agree on which Democratic candidate leads the popular vote (depends upon which states are included and what you do with caucuses). Whichever direction the winds of fate blow, one camp is likely to feel slighted.
So, in the months ahead, we are going to face the task helping one another to heal. Not so much Sens. Hillary Rodham Clinton, Barack Obama or even John McCain, mind you, but the millions of voters who stood in long lines at the polls, attended rallies in record numbers and campaigned for leaders they believed in.
Losing gracefully is part of a politician’s job in a democracy. Seasoned veterans, however, most always get a consolation prize; rarely do they go home empty-handed. There’s the new book on the best-seller list; speaking engagements that can pay $50,000; or, as in the case of Al Gore, a chance to put a cause into the national spotlight and win the Nobel Peace Prize to boot.
Ordinary voters don’t get any of these perks, so they are more likely to feel the pain. We pour our hearts into a mission, and get a glimpse the future we want, only to find that when the election is over, our candidate may go down in defeat, leaving us the hard task of rallying around the winner.
Over the course of my life, I’ve had many chats with colleagues and friends that pulled me – and them – out of my comfort zone. The same kind of talks that friends and family will have when they gather for the Fourth of July, Labor Day and even Thanksgiving dinners. We must set basic ground rules for these exchanges so we end up feeling better afterward, not worse.
My inner circle of friends and family has divided its support among the three remaining candidates: McCain, Obama and Clinton. So no matter what happens on Election Day, somebody in my life likely will end up feeling this is a national tragedy or, perhaps, demanding a recount.
So, I am getting ready now – so that I am ready when the moment arrives. I’ve come up with a few basic rules to help me avoid collisions as the election’s runs, hits and errors continue to be tallied. My job is to keep my circle intact.
Rules for the Winning Team:
No Gloating: Don’t run out into the street and yell: “The good guys finally won.” Instead, use phrases that bring people back together: We might say, “I am happy such diversity of thought has emerged, and we found ways to make each other better.”
Don’t Bring Up Higher Powers: Refrain from making statements indicating that God or, perhaps, Allah was responsible for the victory. People around the world are listening in. Our job is to show others how to keep religion out of politics.
Demonstrate Inclusiveness: We should not limit our thanks to all the people who voted for our side. Thank everyone who took the duties of citizenship seriously. Find an issue you agree with them on, and volunteer to work with them. Eliminate the divide.
Listen and Ask Questions That Can Raise Our IQ’s: People rarely get into trouble for asking thoughtful or probing questions. Cultural collisions often occur because people make assumptions before they have had sufficient time to collect the facts. Ask questions of voters unhappy with the primary outcome. Ask them to share their feelings and concerns. Listen to them. Empathy is the one bridge that can span all sizes of divides. If others feel mistreated, then listen to them without making any comment. Just let them talk. When they have finished, repeat their points back to show they have been heard.
Do-Over: When words we regret pop out of our mouth, ask permission to take them back. Call for a do-over. We might ask, “May I take that statement back?” The other side is obligated to grant this request. That way, we spend more time on issues that matter, and less time on writing apologies.
Check and Manage Our Cultural Filter: If we can’t find one good thing to say about the losing campaigns, then we can’t see the truth. Every candidate has strengths and weaknesses. Our job is to manage our cultural shades so we can see the shortcomings of the winner, and the strengths of those who opposed us.
Rules for the Losing Side:
Ask Questions: Let’s not conclude there’s been a conspiracy or injustice until we have had time to collect and consider the facts. When proof is in hand, state our points calmly in a quiet voice. The tone we use often determines whether others can really hear us. Don’t attack or tear down the winning candidate. Instead talk about what you stand for and what you want to accomplish.
Let the Pain Go: Find a good friend or family member who will listen to you. Explain your fears and concerns. Or write a letter about the election and then tear it up. Do whatever you must to keep the hurt from imprisoning you.
Check and Manage Our Cultural Filter: If we can’t find one good thing to say about the winning campaigns, then we can’t see the truth. Every candidate has strengths and weaknesses. Our job is to manage our cultural shades so we can see the shortcomings of the loser, and the strengths of the winner.
Do-Over: When words we regret pop out of our mouth, ask permission to take them back. Call for a do-over. We might ask, “May I take that statement back?” The other side is obligated to grant this request. That way, we spend more time on issues that matter, and less time on writing apologies.
Hurrah for the Patriots: Republics survive only when, and if, the losing sides in an election are willing to put the interests of the nation ahead their own self-interests. This peaceful exchange of power from one group to another is
Keep the Faith: Don’t let anyone tell you to “get over it and move on.” If you must grieve, do so. Then get back to work. The country needs your creative energy, talent, and intellect. Remember, democracy does not require conformity; rather it requires the belief that, in the end, things will turn out all right.


The Associated Press reports that Republican Sen. John McCain has rejected endorsements from two influential but controversial televangelists, saying there is no place for their incendiary criticisms of other faiths.

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