Cultural IQ

The High Road is the More Difficult Path

 

Journalists and police officers have an extraordinary relationship. When we run into each other on our jobs the police usually are trying to keep facts private and the reporters are trying to get them released.

Yet there we were, my sister, the cop, and me, the journalist, taking a vacation together at Disney World.  It was a real-life laboratory where both of us could explore each other's  lives. 

My cell phone was turned off so my editor couldn’t reach me. But Liz carried her pager with her all the time. It kept going off – again and again and again. "I’ve got to take this call," she kept saying.

 The entire time we were at Disney World my sister the homicide investigator  took calls from the her partner (they solve a homicide that week) and the mothers of homicide victims. I could not believe the mothers were able to call her on vacation. She explained to me that, for many, this is the low point of their life. They wanted information about the case. They wanted justice. They wanted to talk.

During the week, my image of my tough, little sister changed. I learned she didn’t see the victims as numbers or cases. They were people with families. It didn’t seem to matter if the victim was a drug dealer or a suburban mom (though, I’ll admit, this matters quite a bit to journalists.)

A mother’s grief is still the same, she said, no matter what good or bad a child has done.

After the vacation ended, I began to wonder why we never saw police officers on TV shows interrupting their vacations with families to work on cases or talk to mothers of crime victims. Where’s the drama in that?

We all have filters about people and professions. Right now, bankers are taking a lot of heat (though not all bankers engaged in predatory practices.) Let’s all try to keep that in mind as we speak and comment on news stories.

My filters about police officers shifted dramatically over that week because my sister’s actions challenged my stereotypes and forced me to re-examine my own biases. Whenever I am with a group that is berating police officers, I don’t scold them. I simply share the story of my amazing trip to Disney World. My sister's actions serve to challenge their assumptions and expand the universe of facts.

Police officers have families – just like crime victims. They have sisters, brothers and parents who worry about the threats they face when they leave for a shift. They have people in their lives who love them enough to let them serve the skeptical public.

So when people say all police officers are racist or corrupt, it diminishes those who strive to do the right things.

Police officers, just like the rest of us, have racial and gender biases.  The issue is being addressed by law enforcement leaders and scientists. The Consortium for Police Leadership in Equity (CPLE) is a relatively new research consortium that promotes police transparency and accountability by collecting research on biases and sharing it with law enforcement agencies so they can improve training and reduce problematic outcomes. The scientists actually examine police decision-making for bias. Then they use the data to help the departments develop effective strategies and policies.

Police departments and minority groups won’t erect a bridge over decades of distrust, however, until the tone and language change in our conversations.  If the goal is to improve public safety, the public needs to take a broader view and examine these cultural collisions from various angles.  We can fix half the intersection, meaning the police, but then we will still have deadly accidents because the other side of the street has blind spots. Shouldn’t we strive to be accident free?

Members of the public - including those in minority communities – harbor negative biases about the police or departments, which handcuff the officers and increase the level of danger they encounter.   Oakland, CA lost four police officers - three were murdered and one is brain dead- this past weekend. Media reported that some bystanders stood and taunted crime scene investigators.

“Enough is enough,” Oakland Mayor Ron Dellums said in a statement. He is right.

It is time to talk honestly and openly with each other. If we can't find police and minority leaders with the skills to resolve these issues, then it is time to recruit and train a new generation of problem solvers and collaborators. We can't continue afford to hold conversations that throw gas on flames.

What’s in it for me, one might ask? Well, when police officers and community members trust each other more and work together more closely, a community can save more children and actually prevent homicides. 

 Perhaps we can keep some moms from getting my sister’s cell phone number.

So what are we waiting for?

 

 

(If you have a question or wish to contact me, email me at theculturalcoach@aol.com)

Hey, I Don't Want to Be You

And Now Some Important Diversity Lessons From My Dog

 

 

Anyone who has ever loved a dog understands that they don’t see the same world we do.

Even the best bred dogs have behaviors that seem odd to humans. They growl at our best friends and then kiss perfect strangers. They bark when they are excited and they bark when they are mad.  It is up to us to solve the mystery.

A dog requires a lot of patience and a forgiving heart. Sometimes, we have to let go and forget how much we loved the dresses and shoes mistaken for yummy chew toys. My dog, Gabby, and I had an especially difficult time learning to understand one another. What I wanted was a dog that acted like a human.What she needed was a chance to be a dog. 

I tried to teach her to come when I called her. She sat still, with those soft brown eyes looking up at me, convinced that I was making a feeble effort at entertainment.  Finally, frustrated, I clapped my hands. That’s when the light popped on and she came running.  It seems her previous human being had trained her to respond to hand claps – rather than to the word “come.”

That’s the day I admitted to myself that Gabby and I have a diversity problem. We speak differently, think differently and bring films of past experiences into our shared relationship.  For this to work, we had to embrace our own identities.

During our first year together, my dog has given me a fresh appreciation of diversity’s many challenges, costs and hazards. Two species can’t blend into one family without a certain amount of compromise, sense of loss and maturity.  Dogs learn to adapt and adjust within a new family. So why are we humans far more reluctant to accommodate those unlike us? Truth is, we seek comformity so we can remain within our comfort zones.

Gabby and I had much to learn about each other. Words were a major hurdle. One day I asked Gabby to “sit down.” She sat and then she lay down. Oops! Want to bet she was thinking this lady is a little strange?  Now I say either “sit” or “down.” Got it, Gabby.

As we were sorting through differences, there was some minor waste and loss. My instinct was to grab the most attractive boxes of dog food or the stuff on sale. Gabby walked away from her dinner bowl - night after night. One day, while visiting a friend, she had a bowl of low-fat dog food and loved it. So that is what I buy and she eats - without a fuss. Go figure. Wouldn't have been my first choice.

Nobody ever promised me that integration was going to be fast or carefree. It’s not that hard, people. We usually get back whatever we invest in relationships.   That’s true when a family expands through marriage or  diversifies and takes in pets.

New pet owners often make rookie mistakes.  They make a beeline for the toy aisle at the local pet store even before the ink is dry on the adoption papers. This often occurs right after they have bought expensive designer beds that the dog won’t ever want to sleep in. Been there, done that. 

Hope must have put that silly idea into my head that new toys would create trust and convince my dog to chew on them instead of my high heels. Wrong!  Gabby sniffed the toys suspiciously and hauled them into the back yard, where she promptly buried them under piles of dirt. They have not been seen or heard from since.

They are her toys, I told myself as a form of consolation. Maybe that’s how dogs play? Ha! That notion lasted until the day we gals visited a neighbor who has two dogs and a toy box for pets'. Gabby pulled out one plaything after another. When I got ready to leave, she wanted to stay behind.

Over time, I gained fresh insights into the mind of the dog that teaches me - a diversity trainer - something new each day about my craft.  One day, the smarter, more sensible me decided to take Gabby with me to the toy store.  She walked up and down the aisle for 15 minutes before a cuddly gray dog caught her eye. In the weeks to come, she would carry that toy around the house like a little sister.

Human beings often get stuck in the same unproductive tug of war. We treat people the way WE want to be treated. PROBLEM is that’s not how THEY wish to be treated. We can like someone yet still have an annoying and difficult workplace relationship with them.  We can be prejudice-free and still not get along with co-workers who think or speak differently. Dynamic collaborations require TWO or MORE  partners who understand that culture affects their behavior and attitudes and the behavior and attitudes of others.

I could buy toys I liked all day long but what’s the point if she buries them? This is a common occurrence when diversity is in place, but not working well for an organization. Consider the company that starts an affirmative action plan, hires gifted people of color and loses them all as soon as the new hires find they don’t fit in. Then the CEOs grumble loudly because they can't get these workers to stay.  Umm. I'm just saying that if I continue to buy the toys, and my dog continues to bury them, I'm the one who eventually goes broke. Sometimes, you have to focus on the processes - not the differences.

The moment I committed to learning about Gabby’s background and habits, my investment began yielding higher returns. We stopped fighting over wasted dog food, buried toys and empty dog beds. Gabby even stopped chewing my socks.

She was reminding me of something I talk about but sometimes forget to do: Learn how colleagues and family members want to be treated. Let's never assume they ought to be just like us.

Great Conversations Require Skill & Strategy

Freefoto.com

 

As we visit the Web site of a local television station or newspaper, we are likely to encounter angry folk who aim verbal artillery at elected officials, political parties, religions or ethnic groups.

This is the price we pay for our love of, and commitment to, free speech.

 

So what ought we to do when hate or bigotry come knocking at our door? How should we respond online when people provide information that we know to be false? What should we do when groups bombard us with daily e-mails that are racist, offensive, Anti-Semite or Anti-Muslim?

 

Well, first we should turn toward the angels on our shoulders. Try to respond with the same all-encompassing language that we would want a diplomatic president to use.  Remember, people thousands of miles away now can read what we say to each other and how politely we choose to say it.  Next, we MUST care enough about our community to spend time correcting falsehoods and confronting the spread of rumors and fear – even when we are not their targets. We can’t standby and hope somebody else eventually will get around to it. Ordinary citizens must accept the challenge of leading public conversations that rely on science-based research and embrace a diversity of ideas.

Over the years, I have developed the Safe & Sound formula for online communication:

Safe phrases

Ask Questions

Find Answers

Enlighten

 

&

Share stories

Object to prejudice and hate

Use company manners

No yelling

Demand facts and attribution

 

Below are a few additional techniques for creating safer and richer online dialogues.

 

Use Safe Phrases in Responses

I hear a lot better when people aren’t yelling at me.

Let’s agree to disagree.

Ouch, Oops.

Where did you get your information?

Who is your source?

I embrace evidenced-based or data-driven decision-making.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I became stuck because your words made me feel (angry, hurt, sad, emotional).  Can you find another way to explain it?

Tell me your story. What happened to make you feel this way?

 

Use Powerful Responses: (For advanced communicators)

Aren't we lucky to be able to exercise our right to disagree.

Your ideas enrich this debate.

I’m listening.

Thanks for giving me (or my views) a fair hearing.

Help me to understand.

You’ve given me much to think about.

I see how you arrived at that conclusion. Might we consider another path?

I’d like to make a proposal.

It’s my job to learn from strangers. Some days I do it better than others.

You made an interesting point. Can you explain further?

We all are traveling in the same leaky boat.

Let’s create a safe place to have a conversation. I propose a few rules.

I gladly accept information that comes from reliable sources.

Phrases that move the dialogue forward (For leaders)

We may be wearing our cultural shades.  

Though I have biases, I work hard to manage them.

I choose to listen to you.

If I understand your position better we can create more options.

I stand for (insert a word such as America, democracy, freedom, prosperity, inclusion.)

Words can not hurt me unless I allow it.

Is it possible that there is some truth in both our positions? How do we make that determination? How do we proceed?

Disagreement and conflict measure the extent to which we are free.

I sense fear. Can we agree to make this a safe place for those who want civil conversations?

Healing phrases  (For us all)

You are in a lot of pain. Would you explain why?

I am in a lot of pain. May I explain why?

I share my story so you can better understand my filters and life experiences. 

I’m listening.