If African Americans Use the "N" Word, Then Why Can't We All?

Dear Cultural Coach: If African Americans use the word “nigger,” then why can’t white people use it? This situation doesn’t make sense to me.  Is the word offensive or not?

 – Confused 

 Dear Confused:  In a vibrant, healthy garden, caretakers understand what individual plants need to grow. How much sunlight can they tolerate? How often should we water? Cultural groups, like flowers, require compassionate care and knowledgeable custodians. Instead of treating others as we wish to be treated, cultural cultivators and connectors must learn to identify and understand the emotional needs of others.  They, like the gardener, must know which behaviors will make relationships blossom, and which will cause the harvest to wither and die.

This isn't just about connecting with strangers: it is about expanding community capacity.

Words serve as a fertilizer. They make the soil richer, preparing it for new seeds.  Some words – love, compassion, assets, understanding, encouragement, gifts, inclusion, – are powerful. Spread them liberally, and they give communities the necessary nutrients to trust, tell personal stories and create new conversations about the future.  

Other words are toxic, even poisonous, like  insect sprays. They must be used sparingly, if at all.  Where these phrases are in liberal supply (news media websites, for instance), they limit opportunities for connection, collaboration and compromise.  Eventually communities become stuck and unable to hold useful dialogs.

My personal list of toxins includes: whitey, Jap, “the man”, Chinaman, bitch, spic, honkie, Hitler-like, “the white man”, darkie, colored, towelheads, "those people" … the list goes on and on. If you can’t tell fertilizer from insect spray should you be working in the garden?  Really?

Nigger is a word in a category all by itself. It is both a symbol of bondage and an emotional weapon.  For many African Americans, it brings to mind the brutal injustices they or their ancestors survived. Mentioning this word to some African Americans is a bit like saying to a family that lost a loved on 9/11, “Well, didn’t anything good happen to you on that day?”

Such culturally insensitive remarks are likely to prompt others to strike back, cry out, or wish that the space debris spiraling toward earth will land on you. It focuses their attention on a wound that has yet to heal. That doesn't help us or them.  

You mentioned, rightfully so, that some African Americans use that word often. This is true. Keep in mind that when they do, it is not used as a symbol or a weapon.  That is the distinction made by some African Americans.  Personally, I favor putting this – and all those words that deflate the human spirit -into early retirement.

My advice to the relationship builders toiling in the community gardens:

• Use fertilizer liberally. Try to use nutrient-rich words that are warm and invite discovery.  Be honest but respectful.  Authenticity is a rich soil that allows new conversations, new ideas and discovery.
• Focus on strengths more than weaknesses. If you spend all your time chasing the worms and birds, your garden might wither and die. Build capacity so your garden is equipped to survive the droughts and storms.
• Avoid toxins and poisons that harm and pollute the environment. I pick up my dog’s poop when we walk for a reason. I don't want to find dog poop in my front yard. Effective relationship-builders don’t  spread manure in public places because, ultimately, we reap what we sow.

 

Comments

[Lance]

Dear Confused:

Why can’t you use that word? Now I’m the one who is confused. Why would you want to use that word?

The complaint seems to be against a double standard. Yet there is a greater diversity of thought within cultures than w...hat outsiders can (or choose to) see. Within the African-American community there are many who would like to see the word “nigger” disappear from their community’s vocabulary. When used by an outsider it shows a lack of respect. When used within the community it shows a lack of self respect, which is worse.

A lack of self respect is, unfortunately, an affliction that affects us all – it doesn’t belong to one group. Being disrespectful of others – whether others like you or not like you – shows a lack of self-respect.

So I ask again: Why would anyone with self-respect want to use derogatory words? And if you don’t have self-respect, then what else is worth having instead?

[Linda Wallace]

Excellent post. Thank you, Lance. I really like your approach.