Cultural IQ

Listening Can Change Our Lives, and Our Futures

                               

Americans are not listening to each other, which is sad, because we all have something of great value to contribute to the national conversation. Over the years, I have talked to people from diverse political perspectives. As we celebrate the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I would like to share these messages with you:

Let's make Jan.15, 2024 a day of listening.

Trump Supporters Say: This nation no longer is a meritocracy where hard work and civic responsibility will  provide you and your family with a good life. People in higher income areas often get special privileges: better schools, safer housing, and more freebies from companies desiring to do business with them. Poor and working class people often pay the highest prices, and sometimes, the most taxes. Minorities have well-organized groups that advocate for them to ensure they get their fair share but who advocates for the lower-income and working-class whites who are being left behind?

African American Youths Say: We prefer a hand up to a handout. If we had a fair and level playing field, we could get the things we need by ourselves. Charity helps but it is not a solution to our problem.  Only opportunity enables us to rise.  Charities donate money, clothes, even school books yet many liberal urban cities - Democratic strongholds - continue to send us to schools that are toxic, dangerous and harmful to our health. That is why some of us are looking to former president Donald Trump for help. We are clever, creative, and smart - just look at our influence on popular culture. Think of what we might accomplish if we were given a chance to learn and fully contribute  in the economy.

Progressives Say: America is a community of diverse citizens who are this country’s greatest strength. We need to act upon the greater good, not individual self-interests. Everyone matters. Everyone deserves a good quality of life.

Young People Say: Even as children, we must worry about the world. We are destroying the planet and our children will pay the greatest price. We are scared that we are destined to live in a world where authoritarians rule and the rich are the only ones who have a safe environment or a means to escape the planet.

Baby Boomers Say: We know the world is in a sorry state but most of us did our best. We are the generation who put our lives on the line in the fight for human rights. We didn't kill those oppressing us rather we put ourselves in harm's way to change the public's mindset. Many of us died, and some were murdered while advocating for our causes. The Civil Rights Movement forced this country to honor its commitment to individual rights and protected democracy at a crucial moment in history. Please don't say we don't care.

Conservatives Say: Spend, spend, spend! We can’t continue to pass the bills along to the next generation. We have to live within our means. Americans should be able to share and promote our religious values outside of their homes. My religion is to me what your pet is to you. I want to talk about it, and share my joy. What if we decided everyone had to keep their pets indoors because they offend some people? What if we couldn't talk about pets at public meetings or in the workplace? We, too, feel that our rights are being taken away.

Anyone else want to share when you heard when you listened to others in your community?

I'm listening. 

How to Shut Down A Conversation

As I reread this Cultural IQ post from the 2008 presidential election, I find myself wondering if Americans in 2024 are using this column as their guide. I was kidding, folks.

Here are the guidelines I proposed:

 

1)      Instead of seeking a discussion of facts or truth, shut down the conversation right away by announcing you take offense at a remark. This tactic makes you the center of attention. Communication now is focused on  your beliefs rather than on a discussion of the original speaker's statement. It is a verbal version of the old bait-and-switch routine. Use it as often as you can.

 

2)   Never ask open-ended questions to clarify another speaker's position and promote discovery. For example, you would never say: "I want to be certain that I understand your point. Am I restating your position correctly?"  Questions such as these remove you from the spotlight.

 

3)      Always attach labels to others and throw around words such as elitist, racist, conservative or liberal when describing them. This transforms conversations into chess games of defensive maneuvers. All productive communication shuts down, making dialogs a game of skill rather than an free exchange of  ideas and opinions.

 

4)      Don’t listen with the purpose of understanding a speaker’s intent.  Instead create confusion and misunderstanding by questioning their motives and explaining what they really meant.

 

5)      Call in the media to provide around-the-clock interpretation and analysis. This is helpful to them as it serves to build larger audiences and help ratings.

 

6)       When responding to ideas you don't happen to agree with never EVER say: "That's an interesting take on the issue. However, I see it a bit differently. Might I explain?"  After all, the purpose of communication is to gain power or seek a better position, not to better understand one another's backgrounds and cultural challenges.

 

 

7)      After a speaker admits making a mistake and offers you an apology, steadfastly refuse to move forward in the conversation.  The longer you stay in the spotlight, the more points you earn. If the public gets turned off, well, there are fewer votes to count on election day. You won't have to stay up so late.

 

8)      When discussing mistakes, never ever use yourself as an example. It is better to criticize opponents, critics or family members than to share your mistakes and life lessons. Parents use this tactic all the time. A parent who used drugs as a teen might say to his child: “Don’t use drugs because you might end up like Uncle Paulie. He's done awful things to this family.”

 

9)     Attack leaders who are not in the same room. This is a good way to win an argument. OK, so it shuts down meaningful communication and creates opportunities for cultural tensions and unrest. Fortunately, you can then tell others, "We are in a real mess. I'm just the person to solve these  problems." (This tactic works with humans as well as dogs, I've discovered. If dogs aren’t in the same room, they ignore you so you can always get the last word. )

 

10)  Whenever possible, focus the conversation on what’s wrong with (1) the world, 2) your family, 3) your neighbors or 4) the nation) rather than on America's shared strengths. If I held a dialogue to discuss racial problems, hundreds of people would show up. If we held a dialogue to discuss how talented and intelligent cultural families might build a community where all have rights, my dog might attend. And she is going to want treats. So attack, attack, attack. If fewer people are in your discussion circle, you'll have more time to talk.

Recognizing the Barrier Breakers Who Fly Under the Radar

 

While grocery shopping  this week, I met a handsome, personable African American man at my neighborhood Giant who asked me if I was a celebrity, either an actor or musician. I’m still smiling. I actually blushed. As you age, people don't always see you.  You become invisible.

Most of the time,  African American youth are employed as security guards at the front of the retail stores. It is so rare to see them working behind cash register and interacting with customers. And this store was in a predominantly white area.

We chitchatted about my purchases (plants and flowers) and about the New Year. He was confident, and so friendly. I was in awe. I could tell he was nervous. But he found the language to connect with me, and the customers in line behind me. 

 When he got hired, there was no announcement on the news. Yet this young man is breaking down barriers. He may not have looked like a Jackie Robinson or Arthur Ashe, but his breakthrough was important to all the youth seeking access to opportunity.                                                                                                                                 

Being the first in your community, religion or cultural group to hold down a particular job, no matter what the occupation, is difficult and it often is accompanied by heavy responsibilities.  If you fail, the door sometimes shuts behind you and no one else can get in.

I encounter barrier breakers all across our city. There is the young white woman who rides the bus into the impoverished neighborhood each day to support the people living there. The affluent student who is taking the first two years of college classes at a community college to gain cultural competence. The kinship care givers who raise and support other people’s children. The friends who visit each other churches to experience various religions.

 Typically, the people we honor typically have titles, or large incomes, or glamourous jobs.  What if we also honored the barrier breakers who change the world by taking risks and striving for excellence?

I am reminded of the story I found a few years ago about a customer in a bakery who left a $50 tip for a clerk who had engaged him in a conversation about quantum physics. He encouraged her to use it to return to college and complete her education. She  enrolled in Community College of Philadelphia that same week, and, and a couple years later, won hundreds of thousands of dollars in scholarships enabling her to transfer to an elite school.

 It turns out, the generous man who gave away that tip was just visiting Philadelphia. He, however, knew just what to say.

The messages we send to the youth in this city really matter. Read the article by Susan Snyder here: 

Let's become the next good Samaritan to change a life.