Cultural IQ

A Black Man Insults a White Woman On A Bus? What Should We Do?

A white colleague recently shared that she stopped riding the bus in Philadelphia after a Black rider turned around  and began ranting: “I don't like white women.”  He was looking directly into her eyes. 

Responding to racial prejudice never is easy.  I greatly admired my colleague's thoughtful reaction: As the Black man was insulting her, she was thinking to herself:  "Ok, so you don’t like white women. Then what color do you want me to be?”

She clearly understood that she was not the problem. I wish  more  of  us  felt  the  same  way.

If this conversation is making you uncomfortable, that's OK. We have not yet reached a place in America's emerging community of inclusion and belonging where everyone's pain gets discussed and everyone's wounds are healed.

When we read or view news reports on racial discrimination, most often we hear about the mistreatment of minority groups.

Only in Donald Trump's America do we regularly hear about how white Americans also can get the short end of the stick. Those complaints often are dismissed because the speakers are viewed as racist and, therefore, incapable of separating fact from fiction.

Let's be clear.  I’m not suggesting that European  Americans need societal protection because lots of people are being mean to them. 

I'm suggesting that everyone - on occasion -  encounters prejudice, perhaps its because of their body shape, neighborhood, or the fact they never went to college.

Prejudice stings no matter who we are yet some of us are not getting an opportunity to speak our truth, or have that truth acknowledged publicly.

So how should an equitable society respond when a white woman is taunted by a black man on a bus? I asked that question on Facebook and not one person commented or responded. I get it: I was afraid to post this story. I knew it wouldn't get any likes. 

It takes real courage to seek justice for every American, and not just for the people we happen to love or care about.

Our community must be able to take a stand and proclaim: "We acknowledge your pain. We regret that you were insulted. We will do better."

Somebody on that bus could have walked over and sat beside my colleague. We must all play the role of ally from time to time. 

 

 

How to Have A Difficult Conversation Where Everyone Wins

While riding a crowded subway to work, I sat next to a man who was anti-immigrant. He ranted publicly about 'those people' sneaking into the country, and the chaos they bring. 

Most folks cast their eyes away from him  I was seated next to him.

"I happen to see it differently," I said in a calm voice. "I happen to value diversity, and the fresh perspectives and new skills that each group brings to this nation." 

He was pleasantly surprised by my tone so a deeper conversation began. I would discover that the man was a cancer survivor who was returning to work for the first time in months. We both had big days ahead of us, though for different reasons.  He was nervous about coming back to the office and the reception he might receive. I had a big media event to handle at my college.

As we talked about the challenges we were about to face, we bonded briefly. Our collective sense of dread and uncertainty had provided an opening where we could be fellow human beings rather than political opponents.  <.

I have often thought about my seatmate, and how differently that conversation might have gone had I reacted to his comments by yelling at him, canceling him, or provoking an argument.

We both made the decision to simply acknowledge and accept each other's beliefs, rather than attempt to score points for our side Everybody on that train ended up with a nicer commute and, let's hope, a more productive day.

It is possible to disagree and yet still thrive.

 

What Comes First: Stereotypes or Bad Behaviors?

The labels people pin on you are among the worst part about getting old: Dearie, Dear, and, of course, old man or old lady.

So how might we address strangers, especially those with whom we may wish to bond or show respect? In the African American culture, young people often refer to elders by their first names. At work, more people call me, “Miss Linda” than Linda. A man would be addressed in similar fashion:  "Good morning, Mr. Donte."

On a recent flight, I sat next to a gentleman who appeared to be around my age. He appeared agitated from the moment he stepped onto the Southwest plane in St. Louis.  Later he confided that he was on his way to Las Vegas to care for his ailing 91-year-old father.  He and his brother had been taking turns caring for their dad, and he was flying into the city for his six-week stint.

Because he traveled frequently, he had to sacrifice some comforts that were important to him:  for example, pets, and a garden.

I admired him for the sacrifices he had chosen to make. 

As the long flight delay continued, and, as the plane sat on the tarmac,  my seatmate grew angrier. The pilot had told us we needed to have the wings de-iced because they had iced up during the previous leg of the flight. When my seatmate checked his phone, it showed the ground temperature outside was 41 degrees.

Obviously, he had not heard, or he had forgotten, the pilot's explanation. He began yelling in a loud voice to no one in particular : " It is 41 degrees outside. Why the delay? You don't need to de-ice planes in 41 degree weather."

 A flight attendant came over and made matters worse by asking the man if he was a pilot, and if he had his pilot’s license? “Let’s let the pilot fly the plane,” she suggested. Of course, that encounter made his madder. (Why not just repeat the pilot's explanation?)

Eventually, the flight crew kicked the guy off the plane. Afterward, passengers around me jumped on their phones to gossip: “They kicked this crazy old man off the plane,” I heard more than a few people say. Imagine how every old person on the plane felt right then. How many of those people would have said, "They kicked this crazy young guy off the plane?" 

Here’s what I saw: A stressed out man,  caring for his dad, who probably had reached the point where he needed someone to care for him. What I saw was a guy who possibly was in the early stages of dementia. One of the most common symptoms: Forgetting recently learned information i.e. the pilots explanation. Yelling things to no one in particular could be another symptom.

Are flight crews trained to tell the difference between bad behavior and dementia?

Later on, while serving drinks, the same flight attendant smiled at me sweetly and compounded her sins by asking: “What can I get you, dear?”

You see, that's the thing about stereotypes. Once our cultural shades come on and our stereotypes about people, groups or religions take hold, we have blind spots. We are far more likely to do or say the wrong thing. 

Here is my truth: Stereotyping people makes them act badly.

What comes first, the stereotype or the bad behavior?  That's a question we could ask about regions in Africa, the Middle East, and Russia- Ukraine - all ravaged by war and violence.

Quick Tips for Getting Through Those Holidays

• Care about all humans on the planet, not just those who look like you.
• Learn to accept opposing viewpoints. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. Both can be true at the same time.
• Take one action each day to make outsiders feel included and welcomed.
• Treat others as they wish to be treated, not as we would have them treat us.
• Surround yourself with lifelong learners, not folks who are stuck in their own views and unable to move forward.
• Always challenge your own biases and beliefs before you work on helping others with theirs. Biases are like crumbs swept under the kitchen table. People aren't going to accept housekeeping advice from you if your crumbs are distracting them.

Can Dogs Teach Their Humans New Tricks?

 

 

People come into our lives to teach important lessons and, if we are lucky, so will a dog.

Our furry friends can show us how to love unconditionally, get through to those who speak new languages and understand how to become a better friend and neighbor.

My late dog, Gabby, was a master teacher. Among the crucial lessons she left behind:  When people talk, tilt your head to one side and listen. Always jump up and down when friends arrive. Use gestures and words that your intended audience can embrace and understand. Fight fair. Show empathy even when you really don’t have a clue as to what’s really going on. Forgive the people who yell at you. When under attack, roll over on your back and wiggle your legs until somebody comes up with a better plan. Color and size don’t matter when it comes to choosing friends. When new dogs arrive at the park, sniff and growl all you want but let them in. The park doesn’t belong to you.

Though I facilitated diversity workshops for many years, Gabby provided more powerful lessons than any book or workshop ever could. In fact, over the years, her responses to our challenges generated the most thoughtful and meaningful conversations at my workshops.

Gabby had a knack for making dispirited strangers, and other dogs, feel special. It wasn’t always that way. When we first became a newly committed couple, she was stubborn, willful and even a little mean. Chow Chows are known to have a real attitude.

In the beginning, during walks, Gabby lunged at other dogs and babies in strollers, she buried my things in the back yard, took the food from her bowl and spread it around the kitchen, and tugged on the leash so hard I fell over. I was looking for a dog that would go fetch the morning paper and help me to meet cute guys. What I got was Gabby, a dog that wanted to be in charge.

I considered taking her back to the shelter.  But something inside of me kept telling me to try one more time. One day, I realized that she craved praise, more than treats or anything else I was using to motivate her.  The more I fussed at her, the more desperate and angry she became.

It dawned on me that instead of correcting her bad behaviors, I should begin each walk with praise. I’d say: “Hey, Gabby do the good dog walk today. You are so smart. I know you can do it.”

Corporate managers are taught in Management 101 to understand the importance of catching workers getting it right. Yet, when it comes to diversity, CEOs and diversity advocates often do just the exact opposite. We catch the people making mistakes, then punish and embarrass them.

 What if I had done that to my dog?

How much time do we currently invest trying to identify the people within organizations who understand diversity the best, and are leveraging it to get top sales, create innovative products and generate the most website clicks? What if, rather than ganging up on those who are stubborn, willful and dug in like Gabby, we identify the doctors, lawyers, police officers, politicians, and journalists getting it right, and we begin to probe their techniques and strategies,  and share their insights.  We yell it from the roof tops and put it on the front pages and evening news.

This, I know: You can’t master core cultural competencies during a series of two-hour diversity workshops. An article in the Harvard Review on Why Diversity Programs Fail, suggests the positive effects of diversity training rarely last beyond a day or two, and a number of studies suggest that it can activate bias or spark a backlash.

We humans, and our dogs, develop advanced cultural expertise by taking in the cues we receive from strangers, making mistakes, and then figuring out how to do better.

Making mistakes is a crucial part of the growth process. Ask any dog.

So let’s afford our fellowman the same dignity we give our pets. Let’s use our “good dog” tone when discussing diversity issues instead of trying to jockey for position or lifting ourselves by demeaning others. Let’s use words and concepts that a skeptical audience, or dog, might hear instead of language like “wokeness” and “racial reckoning” that terrify the very folks we seek to reach.

Experience has taught me that we can advance diversity and inclusion much faster by catching culturally competent people in the act, and then explaining why and how they have succeeded. Give them an extra day off. Award them a bonus. Send hand-written notes of encouragement. Elect them to Congress or as Mayor.

As for those in our families and among our friends who lag behind? Well, I recommend that we tilt our heads to the side and listen, before we speak.

That’s what my Gabby would do.

The Conversation That Changes Everything Might Begin: How is Your Cat?

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I've begun so many difficult dialogues on race and religion by talking about my late dog, Gabby, or my cat, Kat Imani.

I shared tales of our misadventures, where I said or did something very silly, in hopes of creating a safe space. If we want to become a nation of learners, we must become comfortable examining our OWN mistakes.

Have you noticed that when cultural collisions occur, we often attack the drivers? We yell and scream. We cancel folks. We make them feel small. Afterward, we might finally get around to explaining how they could have done things differently. By then, the frustrated drivers have stopped listening.

Here's a question for the pet companions out there: "What would happen if we screamed at our pets following big mistakes?"

When they pee on the floor, jump on the couch, or growl at our best friend, we yell, scream, and throw tantrums. If we did respond with anger, rather than understanding, more pets would bite people.

Consider this: 66 percent of U.S. households (86.9 million homes) own a pet. Dogs are the most popular pets in America; 65.1 households have a dog. And 46.5 million households have a cat.

So if you are wondering why this blog is filled with stories about my dog and my cat, that's why. It gives us a way to relate to each other's experiences, and to build structured roadways across the political divides.    

What might political debate look like in America if the goal was to inform,  learn, and compromise rather than  bully others into accepting our beliefs as right? Well, the conversation that changes everything might begin something like this: How's your cat? How's your dog?

 

 

 

 

US Military Utilizes New Type of Strength

 

What does the US Army expect of its 21st-century  troops? Cultural literacy, a set of new skills and abilities outlined below.

Here's the million-dollar question: If the Army expects enlisting soldiers to be culturally competent, should colleges and universities expect the same from their graduates?

 

 

US Army Definition of Culturally Literate Soldiers :

-Understand that culture affects their behavior and beliefs and the behavior and beliefs of others.

-Are aware of specific cultural beliefs, values, and sensibilities that might affect the way they and others think or behave.

-Appreciate and accept diverse beliefs, appearances, and lifestyles.

-Are aware that historical knowledge is constructed and, therefore, shaped by personal, political, and social forces.

-Know the history of mainstream and nonmainstream American cultures and understand how these histories affect current society.

-Can understand the perspective of nonmainstream groups when learning about historical events.

-Know about major historical events of other nations and understand how such events affect behaviors, beliefs, and relationships with others.

-Are aware of the similarities among groups of different cultural backgrounds and accept differences between them.

-Understand the dangers of stereotyping, ethnocentrisms, and other biases and are aware of and sensitive to issues of racism and prejudice.

-Are bilingual, multilingual, or working toward language proficiency.

-Can communicate, interact, and work positively with individuals from other cultural groups.

-Use technology to communicate with individuals and access resources from other cultures.

-Are familiar with changing cultural norms of technology (such as instant messaging, virtual workspaces, E-mail, and so on), and can interact successfully in such environments.

 

 

The Secret to Difficult Dialogues: Ask Questions, Require Participants to Disclose Their Sources

 Originally  published  on  Nov. 10,2020

Years ago, I was riding in a car with a real estate agent, taking a tour of neighborhoods in Northeast Philly.

As a real estate reporter for the Philadelphia Inquirer, I tried to visit new neighborhoods and meet people in the communities where they lived.

The real estate agent, who was white, showed me around Northeast Philly, raving about the strong housing demand, cleanliness and great schools.

As we drove along, I noticed that the view from my window changed: more Black and Brown people were walking the streets around us. The housing was a bit modest and there were fewer retail centers.

The agent turned to me and said, “This neighborhood is not safe. I wouldn’t want to live here.”

I asked: “Do you sell homes in this neighborhood as well?”

No, he said.

“Oh, then you know people who live here?”

Again, he answered no.

So – ever so politely – I asked, “Where did you get your information from? Who is your source?”

Shocked, the agent said nothing.

After a few moments of pronounced silence, I spoke: “It does not appear that you are an expert on this neighborhood, so I’ll have to find someone else to quote in my story.”

Years later, as I held cultural competency workshops for journalists, I shared this story as a cautionary tale.

How often do journalists pass along things that they are told without challenging them? We sometimes present racist, biased and/or made-up stuff as fact.

And before you know it, the Year 2020 has arrived with falsehoods spreading out of control like the wildfires out west.

If we want to have meaningful political conversations, then everyone needs to come prepared to back up their opinions with research, reliable data or indisputable proof.

Now that former Vice President Joe Biden and Sen. Kamala Harris have been declared winners of the 2020 presidential election, we have a lot to discuss. Some topics may be painful.

It is important that we support each other by asking that we all be at our best.

When someone tells us this election was stolen from President Trump, we say: “Where did you get your information from? Who is your source?”

We ask for concrete evidence, examples that we might check out and for the stories of real-life voters. We want to know more. We are not trying to shut down the dialogue.

If someone tells us all Trump supporters are racist and aren’t worth talking with, we respond, “Where did you get your information from? Who is your source?”

Again, ask for concrete evidence, examples that we might check out and stories of real people. (We would need to check out the stories of all 70 million people voting for Trump to prove they are all racist. If we aren't willing to do the legwork, we should reserve judgment.)

The days ahead won’t be easy. We are a nation in celebration and a nation in mourning in the same moment of time.

 

Why People Hate - And What To Do About It

Dear Cultural Coach: Whenever I read about hate groups or see their leaders on TV, it makes me angry. The actions of these few often give their neighbors, their communities, and even their families a lousy reputation. Why do people hate? What can we do to eliminate it? - Hate Not

Dear Hate Not: Hate is a spectacle we should confront, but most of us prefer to ignore it until our particular group is under attack. I'm as guilty as anyone. I shun associations with individuals, groups, and organizations that promote hatred whenever possible. 

In life, people tend to judge us based on the company we keep. My circle of friends indicates to others whether I am truly tolerant of differences, skilled at managing conflict, optimistic, considerate, and well-informed. So, although I am willing to listen to people with hate-filled biases and prejudices and hear their stories, I make it clear to them that I do not consider their opinions to be my truth.

Now, let's get right to your question. Why do people hate? Since the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, that question has been on the mind of a lot of folks, including President George Bush, who asked in a passionate speech to Congress shortly afterward, ``Why do they hate us?'

Since everyone has a cultural filter, we might turn to science for answers. Over the past 10 years, neuroscientists studying the brain have probed the biology of hate. Rush W. Dozier, a Harvard-educated journalist and science writer, provides a glimpse into how hate arises and affects human behavior in his book, ``Why We Hate: Understanding, Curbing and Eliminating Hate in Ourselves and Our World' (Contemporary Books).

``Hate is a primitive emotion that marks for attack or avoidance those things that we perceive as a threat to our survival or reproduction, which are the prime directives of evolution,' Rush writes.

In other words, when we hate other people or groups, fear drives us.

``The reaction is automatic and stereotyped,' Rush contends. ``Similarly, someone filled with racial or ethnic hatred experiences immediate, irrational hostility whenever he or she encounters any member of the hated class - an Arab or Jew, Serb or Croat, black or white - irrespective of that particular individual's unique qualities or beliefs.'

Although this is not surprising, Rush argues that hate is a product of the brain's limbic system, which is programmed to carry out evolutionary imperatives of survival and reproduction.

So, if hate is wired into us, how do we eliminate it? Rush offers several strategies for consideration:

First, we must learn to identify any source of anger, pain, or threat with as much specificity and detail as possible. Avoid generalizations.

Second, when dealing with groups with little sympathy, develop an ``us-us' orientation instead of an ``us-them approach. Avoid language that fosters conflict and divisions. Find common ground by identifying what both communities have in common. When all else fails, we can always agree to disagree.

 

Doggone it: Why Can't We Bridge the Political Divides

 

 

When political dialogs become emotional and heated, try using a quote from a widely respected person to put the debate "on pause." Quotes - like the ones below - help us to step away from our position and consider the issue through a new lens.

  

Misinformation and disinformation:

 “In God we trust; all others bring data.”

   William Edwards Deming, American statistician and management guru

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“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. "

            Sir Winston Churchill

            (1874-1965)

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Dialogs on capitalism and corporate decision-making:

“Price is what you pay. Value is what you get.”    

 Investor and Philanthropist Warren Buffett

 

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 What and who matters

 "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton)

Albert Einstein (1879-1955)  

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Freedom of Speech      

 “People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. "

         Soren Aabye Kierkegaard, Danish philosopher, theologian (1813-1865)

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Hard Work

"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have."

                        

Thomas Jefferson      (1743-1826)

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Problem-Solving
  

"Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems. "

                                             Rene Descartes       (1596-1650)

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Speaking Up

 

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. "

     Martin Luther King Jr.  (1929-1968)

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Truth

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."

   Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

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"History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon."

            Napoleon Bonaparte

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Critical Thinking

 Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open."

  

        Sir  James Dewar, Scientist (1877-1925)

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    " Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

 

              George Santayana, Spanish American essayist & novelist (1863-1952)

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    " I can’t understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I’m frightened of old ones."

 

              John Cage, American composer & philosopher (1912-1992)

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             "What luck for rulers that men do not think."

                                        -Adolf  Hitler      (1889-1945)

 

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Agree to Disagree

"Mother Nature & Father Time decide all arguments."

 

 

                           -- Michael Schefer, Philadelphia Daily News

  

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Got Racism? Find Likeable People to Lead Workplace Change!

Life doesn't always give us a chance to practice for a role before the curtain opens. We have to say yes first, and learn our lines later.

This is especially true for individuals listening, learning and leading change in their communities. Research indicates that friendliness and democratic values are useful tools for challenging racism but how often do we use them? 

 Brian Lowery, an assistant professor of organizational behavior at Stanford University Graduate School of Business, goes so far as to suggest that racial stereotypes that are subconscious may be reversible. He suggests that people may change feelings toward another ethnic group following  brief  interactions with likeable role models who promote egalitarian or democratic values.

Subconscious or hidden biases toward other racial groups often surface without our knowledge, Lowery's research suggests. While conducting word-association exercises, he found that research subjects more quickly associated the faces of African-Americans with negative words, and the faces of whites with positive words.

However, if he exposed the participants to appealing African-Americans or white Americans who displayed democratic attitudes, such as an anti-racism T-shirt, these associations or hidden biases began to shift. The groups' associations about blacks were then less negative. In an interesting twist, Lowery tried the experiment again using an unfriendly, though egalitarian, role model. This time the participants did not experience the same shift in attitudes.

What might we conclude from this fascinating research?

Well, it certainly seems to suggest that the messenger matters when it comes to delivering anti-racism messages. I have said often in this column that sarcasm and angry voices seldom persuade others to adopt our views. Instead, we need to wear our best smiles and exhibit compassionate attitudes.

We might also conclude that likable people can be effective communicators when it comes to promoting justice and inclusiveness in the workplace. CEOs contemplating new diversity initiatives should file away this fact. "When we like or identify with people, we're more likely to emulate their attitudes and behaviors," Lowery explains.

Lowery also has found that many research subjects are not aware of their own racial biases. They are often uncomfortable when confronted with results that suggest that code words may prompt them to respond negatively to a racial group. In another study, he examined the subtle effects of racial stereotypes upon the penal system. He asked Los Angeles police and probation officers to make judgments about a hypothetical adolescent of unknown race who had allegedly either shoplifted or assaulted a peer.

Some officers were subliminally exposed to words associated with African-Americans: ghetto, homeboy, dreadlocks. These messages were flashed on a rapidly flashing computer screen so that the officers took in the information subliminally. The remainder of the group did not receive this "priming."

Officers absorbing the subliminal messages attributed more negative traits and greater culpability to the hypothetical offenders, and they endorsed harsher punishments. Lowery theorizes that the racial priming beforehand may have prompted them to begin seeing a neutral situation in racial terms.

So there's a caution here, as well as a lesson.

Be mindful of the movies you watch and the people you choose as friends. Priming  affects us more than we might think. It can lead us down under into the land of bias-based decision-making.

The lesson? It is not often we think of likability as a quality required for diversity training and change leadership.  Perhaps, we should.

If you want to influence your workplace, change starts with you.

 

Photo Credit and Caption: Jellybean people at the National Liberty Museum in Philadelphia