Cultural IQ

How to Have A Difficult Conversation Where Everyone Wins

While riding a crowded subway to work, I sat next to a man who was anti-immigrant. He ranted publicly about 'those people' sneaking into the country, and the chaos they bring. 

Most folks cast their eyes away from him  I was seated next to him.

"I happen to see it differently," I said in a calm voice. "I happen to value diversity, and the fresh perspectives and new skills that each group brings to this nation." 

He was pleasantly surprised by my tone so a deeper conversation began. I would discover that the man was a cancer survivor who was returning to work for the first time in months. We both had big days ahead of us, though for different reasons.  He was nervous about coming back to the office and the reception he might receive. I had a big media event to handle at my college.

As we talked about the challenges we were about to face, we bonded briefly. Our collective sense of dread and uncertainty had provided an opening where we could be fellow human beings rather than political opponents.  <.

I have often thought about my seatmate, and how differently that conversation might have gone had I reacted to his comments by yelling at him, canceling him, or provoking an argument.

We both made the decision to simply acknowledge and accept each other's beliefs, rather than attempt to score points for our side Everybody on that train ended up with a nicer commute and, let's hope, a more productive day.

It is possible to disagree and yet still thrive.

 

Naval Officer Eliminates Diversity Programs, Creates Unity Training to Bring Ship Together

 

 

 

Every now and then, somebody offers a bold new idea that seems a bit risky.

If we open our minds and listen, we might just learn something.

In his book “It’s Your Ship: Management Tips from the Best Damn Ship in the Navy” Captain D. Michael Abrashoff, former commanding officer of the USS Benfold, offers lessons learned as he built morale and a top-performing ship. 

In these stormy economic seas, who among us doesn’t have a vessel or at least a leaky boat that is in need of repair?

Some of his tips we’ve heard before: understand yourself first, praise your people, remember little things like birthdays, care about human issues and programs, build up people and recognize their achievements. The section of the book involving diversity is anything but standard operating procedure, however. His strategy there is likely to raise some eyebrows.  

Abrashoff felt diversity programs were dividing his team – rather than bringing them together. So he did a little reengineering. Rather than focus his message on differences, he focused on building unity.

This enabled him to discuss human similarities rather than racial and gender differences, and to create an organization that seeks to remove barriers for all. The objective was simple: Create a high-performing team  and an organization so good EVERYONE wants to belong. This is a change of pace from standard diversity programs, which tend to be supported by the folks who feel they will gain something and opposed by the folks who feel they stand to lose. The perception that diversity creates winners and losers has resulted in resentment, friction, and diversity fatigue. 

So here’s the Abrashoff alternative: He focused on building unity rather than diversity. (Keep in mind, representational diversity was not an issue on the ship.)

The Captain assumed full command of unity training, which sent a signal to all that this matter was of vital importance. He stressed why his team’s members should value each other instead of focusing on the costs of devaluing them. He made it clear: the ship had a zero tolerance policy for prejudice and sexual harassment. When incidents occurred, he responded quickly and dispensed justice fairly, keeping in mind the background of individuals. 

Did things get better? Abrashoff says yes. Surveys filled out by employees indicated some had a change of heart, he writes in his book. He discovered everyone wanted to be part of a team that truly cared about its members. And that they were willing to pay the price to get in. He learned it is better to create opportunities for interactions and learning rather than simply highlight cultural shortcomings and deficits.

I would argue the diversity backlash building in America is voicing strong disapproval of classic diversity strategies and messages. New thinking can and should be embraced. As Abrashoff found, skeptics might just embrace diversity if we show them they can end up as winners too.

 

Are We Our Brother’s Keeper?

 

Years ago, I answered the front door in Memphis, TN. to find two young African American kids standing near their push lawnmower. They were going around the predominately white neighborhood asking people if they had any work for them.

As I spoke with them, I learned that they had walked a long distance from their home on a very hot day. Though they had knocked on doors for several hours, they didn’t have a single dollar to show for their grit and determination.

Like many of our neighbors, we, too, had recently cut our front lawn. After seeing the disappointment in their eyes, I understood I could not send them away emptyhanded. They were doing exactly what society asked them to do – making an effort to earn money legally.

I gave the boys $20, not a handout but rather an investment in their business. My hope was they would continue to find the encouragement needed to remain on this path to entrepreneurship.

I’ve lived in both affluent and lower working-class neighborhoods – by choice. Anyone has done so is well aware of the privilege that comes with life lived in a wealthy zip code.

When you are poor or working class, other people often look down on you, and that can harden you and deepen frustration and resentment. I often felt that societal sting when I lived in a working class neighborhood in Upper Darby.  Our broken mail boxes in our apartment complex at times were left wide open - exposing our mail, as well as private financial information. Drug dealers hung out in the stairwells. Our complex sent out a letter telling us that selling drugs was a violation of the lease. However, if we saw such encounters, we should call the police -- not them.  One day,  I called 911 to report a gunman chasing another youth - and firing shots at him.  An officer arrives 15 minutes later to pick up the bullet casings from the street. No sirens. No canvassing. I never found out what happened to that boy being chased. But if his family feels outrage, I would certainly understand why.

We are each part of the problem because we looked the other way as this situation developed. Rather than confine ourselves to donating to charities providing temporary relief and assistance, we need to take intentional actions each day that break the cycle of violence and keep youth on the right track.

When they show up unexpectedly at our front door, we have to let them into our lives. We need to be part of the solution. That may mean:

Being willing to come back into the office to help increase pedestrian traffic in hotspots. 

Helping out people in trouble. One night, I got off the subway stop at the wrong location. As I was walking home, a young man approached and told me he would walk behind me until I reached my destination. "I won't come up to where you are because I don't want to scare you," he said. I thanked him after I got home.  He replied, "I hope someone would do the same for my mother or sisters." He was my guardian that day.  Isn't it better to prevent crime rather than invest in  new jails?

Being mindful of the assumptions we make about people who don't look like us or live in our neighborhood. 

During the presidential election of 2020, my dog Gabby wore this sign in front the polling place. There had been reports that our precinct might be targeted by groups wishing to intimidate Black voters. Believe me when I say my dog did not want to stand in line with me for two hours while I voted, but she did. She provided much-needed comic relief and protection. When I went inside to vote, people waiting in line took turns watching over her.

That is what a community does - neighbors look out for each other.

 

 

Airing Differences In a Heated Time of Debate

Some of the most crucial conversations may occur between perfect strangers who meet online, at coffee shops, on playgrounds or at neighborhood meetings. These discussions often arise unexpectedly, in very casual ways.

The better prepared we are for these chance encounters, the more successful we will be in getting across our viewpoints. After all, people are more likely to listen to friendly and knowledgeable cultural ambassadors.

Successful dialogues require patience, a sympathetic heart and good communication skills. Competent cultural facilitators allow others to explain their beliefs and ideas. They ask thoughtful questions. They use civil voices to express outrage. They also practice self-control.

When we begin making nasty or offensive comments, however, we notify others that we aren't yet ready for primetime dialogues.

Below I've outlined a few techniques that allow us to effectively air differences and persuade our opponents.

• Choose our words carefully.
Language is a currency that can be used to build or to demolish relationships. Use words to lay a strong foundation. Talk in a way that promotes healing and honest conversations. Respect, understanding, common ground and empathy are words  and themes that help inquiring minds stay open. Destruction, divisiveness, evil and hate are words that separate us and lead listeners to pick sides. Communicate in a manner that leads to productive results.

• Explain what we stand for.
We can win more friends and arguments by explaining what we stand for, rather than by talking about the things we oppose. Examples: We should not say that we are against racism; instead, tell others that we seek a nation where all people can excel. Don't say we are against religious discrimination; instead, say we value freedom. Don't say we are against the use of such cultural names as African-American; instead, say we are for a cohesive nation where all communities feel they are Americans.

• Practice the art of inquiry.
Ask thoughtful questions calmly. If we are trying to win the argument, then we aren't really listening — are we? So put aside all thoughts of victory. When we truly listen to opposing views, we show that we care about the issues. When people know we care about them, they listen to us.

• Invest our time well.
Don't spend a lot of time trying to change people who haven't altered a major position or opinion in 20 years. Instead, identify open-minded folks who continuously look for challenges. To advance racial, cultural and religious dialogues, we need skilled facilitators who can push us to grow. Whenever possible, participate in conversations that encourage self-reflection.

• Walk our talk.
Identify our own issues and fix them. Next, share our spectacular strategies with others. Instead of voicing constant complaints about other people or groups, let us count all the ways we are making life better for them. People who continuously blame outsiders for problems within their cultural group lack the credibility needed to influence others.

• Focus on our group first.
Diversity movements get stuck because cultural communities frequently strive to fix other groups before focusing on their own weaknesses. Some black people think white Americans need to change. Some white Americans think Latinos should change. Christians ask Muslims to change and vice versa. Cultural leaders should focus on changing behaviors among their own group's members.

• Perform cultural audits.
Members of diverse societies must upgrade their skills sets. We need new maneuvers for our playbooks. Cultural audits enable us to determine when our actions are inconsistent with our words or intentions. Audits expose our hidden biases.

Creating A Safe Place Where Everyone Belongs

I love my eclectic neighborhood, in part because it gives me an opportunity to view life through differing lenses. This morning, two women are studying for exams in the comfy lobby. Neighbors sometimes gather to listen to music or watch TV on the big screen. The channels change constantly, reflecting the building's generational and racial diversity.

For the most part, neighbors greet and acknowledge one another.  When I first arrived,  I moved a lot my household goods on a garden cart wagon. My old apartment was just a mile a away. Instead of renting a car, I bought a wagon and walked my smaller items - including my cat- over to the new apartment. (Take that, climate change.)

As I entered my new building, looking a little like a bag lady, my new neighbors smiled and greeted me warmly. They didn't make assumptions because I had decided to move by wagon. Instead, they rushed to open the doors so I could get the cart inside. A few volunteered to help me carry heavy items.

Community safety is not a topic that can be left to the police to solve. It is the community's responsibility, and each of us has a role to play.

 Here are a few of the lessons I've learned from my neighbors.

1) Get to know your neighbors. Look out for them. Be available to help.

2) Be available for friends who are experiencing trauma or going through a difficult time. After my dog Gabby died,  friends reached out to me and listened to my endless supply of Gabby stories. I wouldn't have survived that loss without them. When people are showing signs of mental distress, try to listen without interrupting them. Offer encouragement. 

3) Put those car keys away and walk to the grocery store, pharmacy, or the park - if it is feasible The more pedestrians we have out on the streets, the safer we become. Stay in well-lit areas and on streets with other people. 

4) Remain aware of your surroundings. If you are looking down at your phone as you walk or ride the train, you become an easy target. 

5) We need fewer guns and more courage and compassion. A couple of decades ago, I was lugging around a lot of packages when these three teens approached from behind. I didn't see them but another passenger on the platform did. All of a sudden I heard this calm yet booming  voice behind me: "I wouldn't do that if I were you," a man said to the teens. He went on to tell them that he had made a mistake when he was young, and had paid for it dearly. "I don't want that to happen to you," he said. They looked at him, then walked away from me. He created an opening for them to save face, and they took it. 

6) Have a walking buddy. It could be a dog, or a person.

7) Look at people approaching you in the eyes. Don't look down or glance away.  Muggers are less likely to attack someone who took a long look at their face. 

8) Let's resolve to stop limiting our safety concerns to our own neighborhoods. Find ways to support communities that are facing the greatest struggles with hopelessness, fear and violence. In the long run, those compassionate actions and sacrifice can accomplish more than adding guards at the corner. 

9) Be a champion for all of Philadelphia's children. It should not matter if you are related to them.

10) Support the greater good, not just your own financial interests. 

 

 

US Military Utilizes New Type of Strength

 

What does the US Army expect of its 21st-century  troops? Cultural literacy, a set of new skills and abilities outlined below.

Here's the million-dollar question: If the Army expects enlisting soldiers to be culturally competent, should colleges and universities expect the same from their graduates?

 

 

US Army Definition of Culturally Literate Soldiers :

-Understand that culture affects their behavior and beliefs and the behavior and beliefs of others.

-Are aware of specific cultural beliefs, values, and sensibilities that might affect the way they and others think or behave.

-Appreciate and accept diverse beliefs, appearances, and lifestyles.

-Are aware that historical knowledge is constructed and, therefore, shaped by personal, political, and social forces.

-Know the history of mainstream and nonmainstream American cultures and understand how these histories affect current society.

-Can understand the perspective of nonmainstream groups when learning about historical events.

-Know about major historical events of other nations and understand how such events affect behaviors, beliefs, and relationships with others.

-Are aware of the similarities among groups of different cultural backgrounds and accept differences between them.

-Understand the dangers of stereotyping, ethnocentrisms, and other biases and are aware of and sensitive to issues of racism and prejudice.

-Are bilingual, multilingual, or working toward language proficiency.

-Can communicate, interact, and work positively with individuals from other cultural groups.

-Use technology to communicate with individuals and access resources from other cultures.

-Are familiar with changing cultural norms of technology (such as instant messaging, virtual workspaces, E-mail, and so on), and can interact successfully in such environments.

 

 

Doggone it: Why Can't We Bridge the Political Divides

 

 

When political dialogs become emotional and heated, try using a quote from a widely respected person to put the debate "on pause." Quotes - like the ones below - help us to step away from our position and consider the issue through a new lens.

  

Misinformation and disinformation:

 “In God we trust; all others bring data.”

   William Edwards Deming, American statistician and management guru

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“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. "

            Sir Winston Churchill

            (1874-1965)

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Dialogs on capitalism and corporate decision-making:

“Price is what you pay. Value is what you get.”    

 Investor and Philanthropist Warren Buffett

 

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 What and who matters

 "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton)

Albert Einstein (1879-1955)  

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Freedom of Speech      

 “People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. "

         Soren Aabye Kierkegaard, Danish philosopher, theologian (1813-1865)

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Hard Work

"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have."

                        

Thomas Jefferson      (1743-1826)

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Problem-Solving
  

"Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems. "

                                             Rene Descartes       (1596-1650)

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Speaking Up

 

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. "

     Martin Luther King Jr.  (1929-1968)

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Truth

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."

   Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

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"History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon."

            Napoleon Bonaparte

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Critical Thinking

 Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open."

  

        Sir  James Dewar, Scientist (1877-1925)

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    " Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

 

              George Santayana, Spanish American essayist & novelist (1863-1952)

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    " I can’t understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I’m frightened of old ones."

 

              John Cage, American composer & philosopher (1912-1992)

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             "What luck for rulers that men do not think."

                                        -Adolf  Hitler      (1889-1945)

 

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Agree to Disagree

"Mother Nature & Father Time decide all arguments."

 

 

                           -- Michael Schefer, Philadelphia Daily News

  

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Got Racism? Find Likeable People to Lead Workplace Change!

Life doesn't always give us a chance to practice for a role before the curtain opens. We have to say yes first, and learn our lines later.

This is especially true for individuals listening, learning and leading change in their communities. Research indicates that friendliness and democratic values are useful tools for challenging racism but how often do we use them? 

 Brian Lowery, an assistant professor of organizational behavior at Stanford University Graduate School of Business, goes so far as to suggest that racial stereotypes that are subconscious may be reversible. He suggests that people may change feelings toward another ethnic group following  brief  interactions with likeable role models who promote egalitarian or democratic values.

Subconscious or hidden biases toward other racial groups often surface without our knowledge, Lowery's research suggests. While conducting word-association exercises, he found that research subjects more quickly associated the faces of African-Americans with negative words, and the faces of whites with positive words.

However, if he exposed the participants to appealing African-Americans or white Americans who displayed democratic attitudes, such as an anti-racism T-shirt, these associations or hidden biases began to shift. The groups' associations about blacks were then less negative. In an interesting twist, Lowery tried the experiment again using an unfriendly, though egalitarian, role model. This time the participants did not experience the same shift in attitudes.

What might we conclude from this fascinating research?

Well, it certainly seems to suggest that the messenger matters when it comes to delivering anti-racism messages. I have said often in this column that sarcasm and angry voices seldom persuade others to adopt our views. Instead, we need to wear our best smiles and exhibit compassionate attitudes.

We might also conclude that likable people can be effective communicators when it comes to promoting justice and inclusiveness in the workplace. CEOs contemplating new diversity initiatives should file away this fact. "When we like or identify with people, we're more likely to emulate their attitudes and behaviors," Lowery explains.

Lowery also has found that many research subjects are not aware of their own racial biases. They are often uncomfortable when confronted with results that suggest that code words may prompt them to respond negatively to a racial group. In another study, he examined the subtle effects of racial stereotypes upon the penal system. He asked Los Angeles police and probation officers to make judgments about a hypothetical adolescent of unknown race who had allegedly either shoplifted or assaulted a peer.

Some officers were subliminally exposed to words associated with African-Americans: ghetto, homeboy, dreadlocks. These messages were flashed on a rapidly flashing computer screen so that the officers took in the information subliminally. The remainder of the group did not receive this "priming."

Officers absorbing the subliminal messages attributed more negative traits and greater culpability to the hypothetical offenders, and they endorsed harsher punishments. Lowery theorizes that the racial priming beforehand may have prompted them to begin seeing a neutral situation in racial terms.

So there's a caution here, as well as a lesson.

Be mindful of the movies you watch and the people you choose as friends. Priming  affects us more than we might think. It can lead us down under into the land of bias-based decision-making.

The lesson? It is not often we think of likability as a quality required for diversity training and change leadership.  Perhaps, we should.

If you want to influence your workplace, change starts with you.

 

Photo Credit and Caption: Jellybean people at the National Liberty Museum in Philadelphia

Americans are gathering at a risky intersection – one in which cultural collisions are leading to a mounting death toll, distrust, anger and despair.

We are all grieving as we attempt to make sense of the police shootings of two African-American men – Philando Castile in Minnesota and Alton Sterling in Louisiana. – and the gunning down in Dallas of five white police officers by an African American.

To avoid an uncertain future, we must reflect on our own biases and find solutions that will stop the flow of blood onto American streets.

As citizens, we are divided by an information gap: Our eyes are focused in different directions, on different issues; so we don’t always see what our neighbor sees.

To the citizens standing to our right, violence in the African-American community is the underlying factor in the recent shootings by police. They suggest officers are simply good people trapped in bad situations and argue that police – alone –can’t be expected to solve all of society’s problems. Some suggest if African Americans were more respectful, police shootings would not occur.

For people on the left, implicit bias and an inequitable criminal justice system are drivers of recent tragedies. They advocate for better police training, greater diversity on the police forces and community-centric police tactics. They suggest that if police showed more commitment to carrying out their primary role of protecting and serving the public, more citizens would step up to help. With police bullets flying in their neighborhoods, they sometimes feel like collateral damage.

Each group is trying to advocate for its concerns, while ridiculing and shaming the other side for exposing its dirty laundry.

My dear neighbors on the left and on the right, we are overlooking a critical point: We need each other to find the answer. We are more effective and insightful whenever we stand and talk together. Every human being has blind spots. Only when we stand side-by-side can we truly see the unknown unknowns.

The New Tri-State Defender reported this week on a heartening event in Memphis. After a youth-led march protesting fatal police shootings shut down the I-40 bridge, Interim Memphis Police Director Michael Rallings and the protesters started talking. The next thing you know, the director – locked in arms with protesters –walked with them off the bridge. An agreement had been made to meet later for additional talks.

While the post-bridge meeting fell short of what many had hoped for, the “walk, then talk” strategy is just what we need. Having had the privilege of facilitating a few dialogs on police-community relations; I offer a sensible strategy for moving forward.

Stop the yelling and start the listening. I propose a listening exercise to kick off the conversation. Each side gets 15 minutes to speak, while the other group listens and takes notes. After the first group finishes, people in the room are free to ask questions to seek clarity. No one is allowed to challenge or debate any statements that have been made.

Then the second group presents its perspectives, and everyone listens. Same routine. At the conclusion of this dialog, every participant discusses what he or she learned (not what he or she thinks.)

Then, schedule a second meeting, a third and a fourth. When you reach the point you are as familiar with the other side’s issues as you are with your own, that’s the moment to try to imagine bold solutions.

A police director might say: “I am proposing cultural competency and conflict-resolution training and culturally appropriate hiring procedures.”

A protester might say: “I am going to help people in my community understand why officers feel disrespected and let the officers know I stand behind them.”

Benjamin Franklin, in his final speech to the Constitutional Convention said, “…when you assemble a number of men to have the advantage of their joint wisdom, you inevitably assemble with those men, all their prejudices, their passions, their errors of opinion, their local interests, and their selfish views.”

His words apply aptly to our situation today.

It is said by some historians that Franklin was approached as he left the convention and asked what type of government was formed. He replied, “A republic, if you can keep it.”

Let it not be said that we were the generation that let the republic fade and slip away.

 

Leading Conversations That Lift Us All

 Everybody's talking but is it taking the country or the global village anyplace new or different?

How many everyday dialogs identify pathways for new collaborations or new ways to view old challenges? Whether you are talking to others at an occupation or at a tea or coffee party, check out these guide posts and keep moving forward.

 Liberty Lights, as I call them, are ordinary people who made a commitment to leading community conversations online with grace, diplomacy and skill. They seek to engage neighbors and each other in efforts to increase community capacity, learn through mutual support and care, and create a tone and culture for holding meaningful dialogs.

1.  Ask powerful questions that seek to stimulate curiosity, unlock creativity and encourage others to examine their hidden assumptions, beliefs and biases. Transform dialogs into experiential learning opportunities. The questions below are designed to help you facilitate a thought-provoking conversation: Tell me your life story so I might better understand your beliefs. Who are you? (Explores partisan differences) Imagine we got it right. What steps did we take as a nation to reach consensus? (Helps stimulate creativity and curiosity) Could we take inventory of all the assets in our community and then decide how to bring the talents of those on the margins into the mainstream?  Where did you get your information from? Who is your source? (Demands accountability) As William Edwards Deming, the American statistician and management guru said, "In God we trust; all others bring data."

2.  Reflect on the following: What we know. What we don't know. What we don't know we don't know.

3.  Use universal sources that are likely to be accepted by broad audiences. Try to gather facts and statistics from a wide variety of news sources, books and experts. Sources must have credibility with the audience you seek to persuade. 

4.  Use words that inspire trust and develop avenues for collaboration and compromise. 

5.   Treat relationships as a form of currency: Maintain a diversified portfolio.

6.   Learn one surprising fact every day. Generously give away these gems to strangers. The more you share, the greater your return.

7.   Audit  your cultural assumptions and beliefs regularly to ensure they aren't limiting your ability to see truth or reality clearly.  

8.    When examining opponent’s arguments ask yourself: What is it they know that I don't know? 

9.    Embrace civility as a community and global investment strategy. As Mary Wortley Montagu says, "Civility costs nothing, and buys everything." We don't to agree but we ought to try to leave open the door to change.

 10.   Challenge a colleague's facts or conclusion, but never his or her character or grammar. 

11.  Refrain from using derogatory and offensive words that keep others from seeing how wise you are. 

12.   Model Cultural Competencies. Cultural competencies include: active listening, empathy, cultural awareness and knowledge, tolerance of ambiguity and more.

13.   Carry your culture into dialogs with you but don't let it hold you back. Keep in mind your beliefs, values and customs are but one book in the global library. Each volume offers fascinating life lessons. Individualists, who believe decisions should be based upon what's best for the individual, and collectivists, who believe decisions should be based upon what's best for the community, will often disagree. Combine both lenses, and a community gains a deeper understanding of the challenges.  

 Credits.: Making a Difference in Memphis Workshop 

Appreciative Inquiry: Asking Powerful Questions : Kansas Coalition Against Sexual And Domestic Violence