Cultural IQ

The Danger Of a Single Story

There is danger in telling a single story.

 

On a walk a few years ago, my dog Gabby was attacked by a much larger dog.

Your instinct is to do whatever you can to protect a loved one. I tried to get inbetween Gabby and the much larger dog.  The doggie commands I had learned in dog obedience school were not working. 

During the struggle, I fell to the ground, and Gabby fell on top of me. The dog was biting her as she lay on top, protecting me from attack. I'll never forget the look of love I saw in Gabby's eyes at that moment.

 We were fortunate because a friend of the dog's owner was able to gain control of the dog. The owner, who was also my neighbor, drove us to the animal hospital so Gabby could have surgery. And he waited by my side until we got the news she would be OK.

I later learned my neighbor's wife had just died. He had spent that morning cleaning out her closets. The dog that attacked had belonged to her, and the animal was grieving her loss. The husband was a  novice who couldn't yet read or understand doggie behaviors. 

There is a danger in telling a single story. If I had only told you that my dog had been attacked, you might have taken a very different view of this incident. 

 As we collect more and more pieces of the puzzle, truth emerges.

Healing the Divide

In 2021, Kirk Waldroff wrote an excellent article for the American Psychological Association that pulls the political divide apart at the seams to better understand what's underneath.

I'll start with the good news: psychological science suggests that it is both possible and imperative for members of society to find common ground.

"To decrease the political divide, we must understand the various factors that work to divide us," Waldroff writes. "One thing we can do right now as individuals is pause and consider our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and identify the psychological factors at play. The ability to place our own behaviors and the behaviors of others into a psychological framework can allow us to reflect on what we are experiencing and help us to understand and shape our actions."

He interviewed Kirk Schneider, PhD, adjunct faculty at Saybrook University in California and Teachers College at Columbia University. “Existential fear appears to be at the heart of what drives polarization," Schneider explains.

“One reason we tend to become fixated and polarized is because of individual and collective trauma that associates with a profound sense of insignificance,” says Schneider. In this state, people may feel that they don’t matter and fear “ultimately being wiped away or extinguished,” he adds. (The polarized mind: Why it’s killing us and what we can do about it, 2013, University Professors Press).

Tania Israel, PhD, professor of counseling psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara, and author of Beyond Your Bubble, a book about connecting across the political divide added: “Most people are not on the extremes of any of these issues, but most of what we hear is from people who are more on the extremes.” (More in Common, 2018; More in Common, 2019 )

Read the article: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/01/healing-political-divide

 

How to Have A Difficult Conversation Where Everyone Wins

While riding a crowded subway to work, I sat next to a man who was anti-immigrant. He ranted publicly about 'those people' sneaking into the country, and the chaos they bring. 

Most folks cast their eyes away from him  I was seated next to him.

"I happen to see it differently," I said in a calm voice. "I happen to value diversity, and the fresh perspectives and new skills that each group brings to this nation." 

He was pleasantly surprised by my tone so a deeper conversation began. I would discover that the man was a cancer survivor who was returning to work for the first time in months. We both had big days ahead of us, though for different reasons.  He was nervous about coming back to the office and the reception he might receive. I had a big media event to handle at my college.

As we talked about the challenges we were about to face, we bonded briefly. Our collective sense of dread and uncertainty had provided an opening where we could be fellow human beings rather than political opponents.  <.

I have often thought about my seatmate, and how differently that conversation might have gone had I reacted to his comments by yelling at him, canceling him, or provoking an argument.

We both made the decision to simply acknowledge and accept each other's beliefs, rather than attempt to score points for our side Everybody on that train ended up with a nicer commute and, let's hope, a more productive day.

It is possible to disagree and yet still thrive.

 

Creating A Safe Place Where Everyone Belongs

I love my eclectic neighborhood, in part because it gives me an opportunity to view life through differing lenses. This morning, two women are studying for exams in the comfy lobby. Neighbors sometimes gather to listen to music or watch TV on the big screen. The channels change constantly, reflecting the building's generational and racial diversity.

For the most part, neighbors greet and acknowledge one another.  When I first arrived,  I moved a lot my household goods on a garden cart wagon. My old apartment was just a mile a away. Instead of renting a car, I bought a wagon and walked my smaller items - including my cat- over to the new apartment. (Take that, climate change.)

As I entered my new building, looking a little like a bag lady, my new neighbors smiled and greeted me warmly. They didn't make assumptions because I had decided to move by wagon. Instead, they rushed to open the doors so I could get the cart inside. A few volunteered to help me carry heavy items.

Community safety is not a topic that can be left to the police to solve. It is the community's responsibility, and each of us has a role to play.

 Here are a few of the lessons I've learned from my neighbors.

1) Get to know your neighbors. Look out for them. Be available to help.

2) Be available for friends who are experiencing trauma or going through a difficult time. After my dog Gabby died,  friends reached out to me and listened to my endless supply of Gabby stories. I wouldn't have survived that loss without them. When people are showing signs of mental distress, try to listen without interrupting them. Offer encouragement. 

3) Put those car keys away and walk to the grocery store, pharmacy, or the park - if it is feasible The more pedestrians we have out on the streets, the safer we become. Stay in well-lit areas and on streets with other people. 

4) Remain aware of your surroundings. If you are looking down at your phone as you walk or ride the train, you become an easy target. 

5) We need fewer guns and more courage and compassion. A couple of decades ago, I was lugging around a lot of packages when these three teens approached from behind. I didn't see them but another passenger on the platform did. All of a sudden I heard this calm yet booming  voice behind me: "I wouldn't do that if I were you," a man said to the teens. He went on to tell them that he had made a mistake when he was young, and had paid for it dearly. "I don't want that to happen to you," he said. They looked at him, then walked away from me. He created an opening for them to save face, and they took it. 

6) Have a walking buddy. It could be a dog, or a person.

7) Look at people approaching you in the eyes. Don't look down or glance away.  Muggers are less likely to attack someone who took a long look at their face. 

8) Let's resolve to stop limiting our safety concerns to our own neighborhoods. Find ways to support communities that are facing the greatest struggles with hopelessness, fear and violence. In the long run, those compassionate actions and sacrifice can accomplish more than adding guards at the corner. 

9) Be a champion for all of Philadelphia's children. It should not matter if you are related to them.

10) Support the greater good, not just your own financial interests. 

 

 

Dear Texas: Diversity Isn't Going Anywhere

 

 Somewhere along its winding journey, diversity got a bad reputation. It began when folks began to equate diversity with problems, rather than solutions: Be careful what you say because people might get offended. Don’t tell people how you truly feel because it will make them mad.  Hire diverse employees so you don’t get into trouble.

The smart companies and insightful people never took this detour down frustration lane. Rather the healthcare companies and medical profession moved over to a street called cultural competence, which is a skill set that enables you to work effectively across racial, religious, and generational fault lines.

When we lack cultural competence, we might look at the situation unfolding in Gaza and decide either 1) Israel is completely wrong or 2) the Palestinians are completely wrong.  As is true with most controversies, neither side owns right or wrong. You need to understand and acknowledge all viewpoints to find answers - no matter how much you hurt. 

Most of us, however, see only what we want to see, and hear only what we want to hear.

A newspaper without diversity on staff will not understand the cultural nuisances in its communities well enough to explain local issues.  A marketing department without diversity cannot develop advertisements that resonate with stakeholders who see the world differently. A group of problem solvers will not be able to delve deep enough into assumptions and beliefs to find solutions and compromises.

When elected officials shut down diversity programs, as they have done in Texas, we have to wonder. I can understand shutting down programs that promote one cultural group or a specific set of beliefs over another. I am against discrimination, and believe we all need to understand the cultures of whites, African Americans, Latinos and Asian Americans. If Blacks can celebrate their heritage, European Americans should be able to tell us about their ancestors and customs too.

When you threaten to take diversity out of the equation,  however, you are endangering your future. The diversity will continue but it will move forward unmanaged, and without leadership.

In environments lacking diversity, you shut down your capacity to find the best solution, identify compromises, and communicate your messages to the broadest audience. Texas, where is the advantage in doing that?

Be the best Texas you can be by letting each person be the best they can be. It's that simple.

 

 

 

Quick Tips for Getting Through Those Holidays

• Care about all humans on the planet, not just those who look like you.
• Learn to accept opposing viewpoints. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. Both can be true at the same time.
• Take one action each day to make outsiders feel included and welcomed.
• Treat others as they wish to be treated, not as we would have them treat us.
• Surround yourself with lifelong learners, not folks who are stuck in their own views and unable to move forward.
• Always challenge your own biases and beliefs before you work on helping others with theirs. Biases are like crumbs swept under the kitchen table. People aren't going to accept housekeeping advice from you if your crumbs are distracting them.

Gabby's Gift

My dog, Gabby, and I were finishing up our walk one day with a stray cat strolls over. She ignores me and begins to speak with Gabby.

Gabby then looks up at me to let me know the cat wants to come indoors, and it's OK with her. This was surprising since Gabby loves to chase cats. The skies were darkening, and a storm was coming so I took the cat inside to give it a night of comfort.

 

The next day, I picked up our house guest and headed toward the front door. The visit was over.  The cat jumped out of my hands and hid. We replayed this scene for an entire week.

Finally, I gave up trying to put her back outdoors. That is why I have a cat named Kat. After a week of asking Gabby, "Where's the cat?," that smart little kitty knew we were talking about her. She came running whenever the word cat was mentioned. She picked the name, not us.

In the intervening years, as Gabby aged, she prepared Kat to step in for her after she went across to the Rainbow Bridge. Gabby and Kat would take regular walks together on the floor of our apartment building. Kat watched Gabby for clues on how to care for me. She noticed that Gabby would stand in the doorway, watching me get ready for work. She saw Gabby rest her head on my knee when I was upset. She watched as Gabby calmed me down or made me laugh.

We lost Gabby about 18 months ago. In many ways, I still feel my dog's presence.  Soon after her death, I noticed that Kat had adopted many of Gabby's mannerisms. There she was one day, standing in the doorway as I got ready for work. She took Gabby's favorite spot on the floor when I worked on my laptop. Every day, Kat attempted to walk me down the hall of our apartment building.  When I was stressed, her little face  rested against my elbow.

 It seems that Gabby prepared this cat to take over the role as comforter-in-chief. I enjoy trying to imagine the conversations between them - especially the lesson about how to get Linda to give you more treats.

Death is difficult for us, and so very painful. If we are lucky, our loved ones live on in those they have touched and helped along the way. My memories of a homeless cat and big-hearted dog, playing and hanging out together, remind me that enemies are creatures who don’t yet understand how to listen to each other. 

My dog left me a Kat, and a lesson on what it means to be human. 

 

 

The Conversation That Changes Everything Might Begin: How is Your Cat?

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I've begun so many difficult dialogues on race and religion by talking about my late dog, Gabby, or my cat, Kat Imani.

I shared tales of our misadventures, where I said or did something very silly, in hopes of creating a safe space. If we want to become a nation of learners, we must become comfortable examining our OWN mistakes.

Have you noticed that when cultural collisions occur, we often attack the drivers? We yell and scream. We cancel folks. We make them feel small. Afterward, we might finally get around to explaining how they could have done things differently. By then, the frustrated drivers have stopped listening.

Here's a question for the pet companions out there: "What would happen if we screamed at our pets following big mistakes?"

When they pee on the floor, jump on the couch, or growl at our best friend, we yell, scream, and throw tantrums. If we did respond with anger, rather than understanding, more pets would bite people.

Consider this: 66 percent of U.S. households (86.9 million homes) own a pet. Dogs are the most popular pets in America; 65.1 households have a dog. And 46.5 million households have a cat.

So if you are wondering why this blog is filled with stories about my dog and my cat, that's why. It gives us a way to relate to each other's experiences, and to build structured roadways across the political divides.    

What might political debate look like in America if the goal was to inform,  learn, and compromise rather than  bully others into accepting our beliefs as right? Well, the conversation that changes everything might begin something like this: How's your cat? How's your dog?

 

 

 

 

Doggone it: Why Can't We Bridge the Political Divides

 

 

When political dialogs become emotional and heated, try using a quote from a widely respected person to put the debate "on pause." Quotes - like the ones below - help us to step away from our position and consider the issue through a new lens.

  

Misinformation and disinformation:

 “In God we trust; all others bring data.”

   William Edwards Deming, American statistician and management guru

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“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. "

            Sir Winston Churchill

            (1874-1965)

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Dialogs on capitalism and corporate decision-making:

“Price is what you pay. Value is what you get.”    

 Investor and Philanthropist Warren Buffett

 

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 What and who matters

 "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton)

Albert Einstein (1879-1955)  

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Freedom of Speech      

 “People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. "

         Soren Aabye Kierkegaard, Danish philosopher, theologian (1813-1865)

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Hard Work

"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have."

                        

Thomas Jefferson      (1743-1826)

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Problem-Solving
  

"Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems. "

                                             Rene Descartes       (1596-1650)

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Speaking Up

 

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. "

     Martin Luther King Jr.  (1929-1968)

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Truth

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident."

   Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

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"History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon."

            Napoleon Bonaparte

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Critical Thinking

 Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open."

  

        Sir  James Dewar, Scientist (1877-1925)

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    " Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

 

              George Santayana, Spanish American essayist & novelist (1863-1952)

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    " I can’t understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I’m frightened of old ones."

 

              John Cage, American composer & philosopher (1912-1992)

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             "What luck for rulers that men do not think."

                                        -Adolf  Hitler      (1889-1945)

 

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Agree to Disagree

"Mother Nature & Father Time decide all arguments."

 

 

                           -- Michael Schefer, Philadelphia Daily News

  

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Americans are gathering at a risky intersection – one in which cultural collisions are leading to a mounting death toll, distrust, anger and despair.

We are all grieving as we attempt to make sense of the police shootings of two African-American men – Philando Castile in Minnesota and Alton Sterling in Louisiana. – and the gunning down in Dallas of five white police officers by an African American.

To avoid an uncertain future, we must reflect on our own biases and find solutions that will stop the flow of blood onto American streets.

As citizens, we are divided by an information gap: Our eyes are focused in different directions, on different issues; so we don’t always see what our neighbor sees.

To the citizens standing to our right, violence in the African-American community is the underlying factor in the recent shootings by police. They suggest officers are simply good people trapped in bad situations and argue that police – alone –can’t be expected to solve all of society’s problems. Some suggest if African Americans were more respectful, police shootings would not occur.

For people on the left, implicit bias and an inequitable criminal justice system are drivers of recent tragedies. They advocate for better police training, greater diversity on the police forces and community-centric police tactics. They suggest that if police showed more commitment to carrying out their primary role of protecting and serving the public, more citizens would step up to help. With police bullets flying in their neighborhoods, they sometimes feel like collateral damage.

Each group is trying to advocate for its concerns, while ridiculing and shaming the other side for exposing its dirty laundry.

My dear neighbors on the left and on the right, we are overlooking a critical point: We need each other to find the answer. We are more effective and insightful whenever we stand and talk together. Every human being has blind spots. Only when we stand side-by-side can we truly see the unknown unknowns.

The New Tri-State Defender reported this week on a heartening event in Memphis. After a youth-led march protesting fatal police shootings shut down the I-40 bridge, Interim Memphis Police Director Michael Rallings and the protesters started talking. The next thing you know, the director – locked in arms with protesters –walked with them off the bridge. An agreement had been made to meet later for additional talks.

While the post-bridge meeting fell short of what many had hoped for, the “walk, then talk” strategy is just what we need. Having had the privilege of facilitating a few dialogs on police-community relations; I offer a sensible strategy for moving forward.

Stop the yelling and start the listening. I propose a listening exercise to kick off the conversation. Each side gets 15 minutes to speak, while the other group listens and takes notes. After the first group finishes, people in the room are free to ask questions to seek clarity. No one is allowed to challenge or debate any statements that have been made.

Then the second group presents its perspectives, and everyone listens. Same routine. At the conclusion of this dialog, every participant discusses what he or she learned (not what he or she thinks.)

Then, schedule a second meeting, a third and a fourth. When you reach the point you are as familiar with the other side’s issues as you are with your own, that’s the moment to try to imagine bold solutions.

A police director might say: “I am proposing cultural competency and conflict-resolution training and culturally appropriate hiring procedures.”

A protester might say: “I am going to help people in my community understand why officers feel disrespected and let the officers know I stand behind them.”

Benjamin Franklin, in his final speech to the Constitutional Convention said, “…when you assemble a number of men to have the advantage of their joint wisdom, you inevitably assemble with those men, all their prejudices, their passions, their errors of opinion, their local interests, and their selfish views.”

His words apply aptly to our situation today.

It is said by some historians that Franklin was approached as he left the convention and asked what type of government was formed. He replied, “A republic, if you can keep it.”

Let it not be said that we were the generation that let the republic fade and slip away.

 

Leading Conversations That Lift Us All

 Everybody's talking but is it taking the country or the global village anyplace new or different?

How many everyday dialogs identify pathways for new collaborations or new ways to view old challenges? Whether you are talking to others at an occupation or at a tea or coffee party, check out these guide posts and keep moving forward.

 Liberty Lights, as I call them, are ordinary people who made a commitment to leading community conversations online with grace, diplomacy and skill. They seek to engage neighbors and each other in efforts to increase community capacity, learn through mutual support and care, and create a tone and culture for holding meaningful dialogs.

1.  Ask powerful questions that seek to stimulate curiosity, unlock creativity and encourage others to examine their hidden assumptions, beliefs and biases. Transform dialogs into experiential learning opportunities. The questions below are designed to help you facilitate a thought-provoking conversation: Tell me your life story so I might better understand your beliefs. Who are you? (Explores partisan differences) Imagine we got it right. What steps did we take as a nation to reach consensus? (Helps stimulate creativity and curiosity) Could we take inventory of all the assets in our community and then decide how to bring the talents of those on the margins into the mainstream?  Where did you get your information from? Who is your source? (Demands accountability) As William Edwards Deming, the American statistician and management guru said, "In God we trust; all others bring data."

2.  Reflect on the following: What we know. What we don't know. What we don't know we don't know.

3.  Use universal sources that are likely to be accepted by broad audiences. Try to gather facts and statistics from a wide variety of news sources, books and experts. Sources must have credibility with the audience you seek to persuade. 

4.  Use words that inspire trust and develop avenues for collaboration and compromise. 

5.   Treat relationships as a form of currency: Maintain a diversified portfolio.

6.   Learn one surprising fact every day. Generously give away these gems to strangers. The more you share, the greater your return.

7.   Audit  your cultural assumptions and beliefs regularly to ensure they aren't limiting your ability to see truth or reality clearly.  

8.    When examining opponent’s arguments ask yourself: What is it they know that I don't know? 

9.    Embrace civility as a community and global investment strategy. As Mary Wortley Montagu says, "Civility costs nothing, and buys everything." We don't to agree but we ought to try to leave open the door to change.

 10.   Challenge a colleague's facts or conclusion, but never his or her character or grammar. 

11.  Refrain from using derogatory and offensive words that keep others from seeing how wise you are. 

12.   Model Cultural Competencies. Cultural competencies include: active listening, empathy, cultural awareness and knowledge, tolerance of ambiguity and more.

13.   Carry your culture into dialogs with you but don't let it hold you back. Keep in mind your beliefs, values and customs are but one book in the global library. Each volume offers fascinating life lessons. Individualists, who believe decisions should be based upon what's best for the individual, and collectivists, who believe decisions should be based upon what's best for the community, will often disagree. Combine both lenses, and a community gains a deeper understanding of the challenges.  

 Credits.: Making a Difference in Memphis Workshop 

Appreciative Inquiry: Asking Powerful Questions : Kansas Coalition Against Sexual And Domestic Violence