Some of the most crucial conversations may occur between perfect strangers who meet online, at coffee shops, on playgrounds or at neighborhood meetings. These discussions often arise unexpectedly, in very casual ways.
The better prepared we are for these chance encounters, the more successful we will be in getting across our viewpoints. After all, people are more likely to listen to friendly and knowledgeable cultural ambassadors.
Successful dialogues require patience, a sympathetic heart and good communication skills. Competent cultural facilitators allow others to explain their beliefs and ideas. They ask thoughtful questions. They use civil voices to express outrage. They also practice self-control.
When we begin making nasty or offensive comments, however, we notify others that we aren't yet ready for primetime dialogues.
Below I've outlined a few techniques that allow us to effectively air differences and persuade our opponents.
• Choose our words carefully.
Language is a currency that can be used to build or to demolish relationships. Use words to lay a strong foundation. Talk in a way that promotes healing and honest conversations. Respect, understanding, common ground and empathy are words and themes that help inquiring minds stay open. Destruction, divisiveness, evil and hate are words that separate us and lead listeners to pick sides. Communicate in a manner that leads to productive results.
• Explain what we stand for.
We can win more friends and arguments by explaining what we stand for, rather than by talking about the things we oppose. Examples: We should not say that we are against racism; instead, tell others that we seek a nation where all people can excel. Don't say we are against religious discrimination; instead, say we value freedom. Don't say we are against the use of such cultural names as African-American; instead, say we are for a cohesive nation where all communities feel they are Americans.
• Practice the art of inquiry.
Ask thoughtful questions calmly. If we are trying to win the argument, then we aren't really listening — are we? So put aside all thoughts of victory. When we truly listen to opposing views, we show that we care about the issues. When people know we care about them, they listen to us.
• Invest our time well.
Don't spend a lot of time trying to change people who haven't altered a major position or opinion in 20 years. Instead, identify open-minded folks who continuously look for challenges. To advance racial, cultural and religious dialogues, we need skilled facilitators who can push us to grow. Whenever possible, participate in conversations that encourage self-reflection.
• Walk our talk.
Identify our own issues and fix them. Next, share our spectacular strategies with others. Instead of voicing constant complaints about other people or groups, let us count all the ways we are making life better for them. People who continuously blame outsiders for problems within their cultural group lack the credibility needed to influence others.
• Focus on our group first.
Diversity movements get stuck because cultural communities frequently strive to fix other groups before focusing on their own weaknesses. Some black people think white Americans need to change. Some white Americans think Latinos should change. Christians ask Muslims to change and vice versa. Cultural leaders should focus on changing behaviors among their own group's members.
• Perform cultural audits.
Members of diverse societies must upgrade their skills sets. We need new maneuvers for our playbooks. Cultural audits enable us to determine when our actions are inconsistent with our words or intentions. Audits expose our hidden biases.
I love my eclectic neighborhood, in part because it gives me an opportunity to view life through differing lenses. This morning, two women are studying for exams in the comfy lobby. Neighbors sometimes gather to listen to music or watch TV on the big screen. The channels change constantly, reflecting the building's generational and racial diversity.
For the most part, neighbors greet and acknowledge one another. When I first arrived, I moved a lot my household goods on a garden cart wagon. My old apartment was just a mile a away. Instead of renting a car, I bought a wagon and walked my smaller items - including my cat- over to the new apartment. (Take that, climate change.)
As I entered my new building, looking a little like a bag lady, my new neighbors smiled and greeted me warmly. They didn't make assumptions because I had decided to move by wagon. Instead, they rushed to open the doors so I could get the cart inside. A few volunteered to help me carry heavy items.
Community safety is not a topic that can be left to the police to solve. It is the community's responsibility, and each of us has a role to play.
Here are a few of the lessons I've learned from my neighbors.
1) Get to know your neighbors. Look out for them. Be available to help.
2) Be available for friends who are experiencing trauma or going through a difficult time. After my dog Gabby died, friends reached out to me and listened to my endless supply of Gabby stories. I wouldn't have survived that loss without them. When people are showing signs of mental distress, try to listen without interrupting them. Offer encouragement.
3) Put those car keys away and walk to the grocery store, pharmacy, or the park - if it is feasible The more pedestrians we have out on the streets, the safer we become. Stay in well-lit areas and on streets with other people.
4) Remain aware of your surroundings. If you are looking down at your phone as you walk or ride the train, you become an easy target.
5) We need fewer guns and more courage and compassion. A couple of decades ago, I was lugging around a lot of packages when these three teens approached from behind. I didn't see them but another passenger on the platform did. All of a sudden I heard this calm yet booming voice behind me: "I wouldn't do that if I were you," a man said to the teens. He went on to tell them that he had made a mistake when he was young, and had paid for it dearly. "I don't want that to happen to you," he said. They looked at him, then walked away from me. He created an opening for them to save face, and they took it.
6) Have a walking buddy. It could be a dog, or a person.
7) Look at people approaching you in the eyes. Don't look down or glance away. Muggers are less likely to attack someone who took a long look at their face.
8) Let's resolve to stop limiting our safety concerns to our own neighborhoods. Find ways to support communities that are facing the greatest struggles with hopelessness, fear and violence. In the long run, those compassionate actions and sacrifice can accomplish more than adding guards at the corner.
9) Be a champion for all of Philadelphia's children. It should not matter if you are related to them.
10) Support the greater good, not just your own financial interests.
The best part about living in Philadelphia is that we always have lots of stuff to talk about whenever we leave town.
I travel a lot in my business, and people are always interested to hear what we are up to and how things are going. Philly's tough image intrigues them.
For writers, there are few cities better suited for the craft than Philadelphia. This town has a distinct culture and an in-your-face personality. We make others feel at home by sharing our intimate thoughts. It is a fact that strangers here dispense more advice than pharmacists. Over the years, passersby have told me they didn't like my lipstick color and my outfit, I should take off my weave (it is not a weave), my shoes were awful and I should smile more.
My most interesting street encounter came once when I was walking home from the grocery store. A young man I had never seen before came up to me and put his hand on my rump, and I'm not talking about my roast here. Then he smiled as though he were waiting for my phone number.
"I can arrange for you to spend the night in jail, if you wish," said I, with addytude. "Just try that again." You should have seen his expression. "Oh, you must be from New Jersey," he said.
Excuse me? Given all this, it might surprise you to know that of all the places I have ever lived, Philadelphia is among my favorites. Why? The people make it special. OK, maybe we have our priorities skewed and we ought to be more outraged by inadequate school funding than hoagie bans but, at this moment, I am willing to overlook that fact.
People here are real. What you see is what you get. They don't pretend to be something they are not. I don't think we should get mad when people poke fun at us because the city dares to be so different. Things could be much worse.
As a cub reporter, I asked a new city manager in Germantown, Tenn., if he had moved into the fashionable suburb in which he now worked.
"No," he said, adding that he had moved to Memphis. "There is too little diversity in Germantown," he said. "It reminds me of two pieces of white bread with mayonnaise in between." Not long thereafter, he received an invitation to resign.
The moral of this story is that Philadelphia should tout and sell its quirky culture. After all, what tourist wants to visit a city that looks just like the one he left?
Still, out-of-towners need a little help getting used to us. I thought I might offer them some tips for getting along:
When you need directions, look for a city dweller with a smile on his or her face. Confront natives wearing frowns at your own risk.
If a Philadelphian criticizes your clothes, hair or makeup, be grateful. For us, criticism is an act of acceptance and love. It explains how we can claim, truthfully, to be "The City of Brotherly Love."
If you run into a menacing cast of characters, thrust your fist into the air and yell, "Long live the hoagies." People around you will immediately think you are crazy, and call the police for you.
If you want to fit in with the locals when you go out on the town, complain about issues such as trash (we're against it), snow removal (we're for it), and toss in the fact that cops don't want us to park cars in the middle of busy streets (we're certain this is addressed somewhere in the Bill of Rights).
Enjoy your stay. If you like us, we have extra room. Besides, we need help paying the high taxes.
PHILADELPHIA — Every now and then, there comes a time in an adult's life where a child opens our eyes so we can see the world's wonders far more clearly.
My moment arrived more than 15 years ago, as I was standing on a street corner in a West Dallas housing project waiting for the bus to arrive and take the children to their elegant elementary school in tony North Dallas. I, the well-educated reporter, was there to report on them, the poor, disadvantaged kids from the inner city who rode buses to affluent schools in an effort to achieve educational parity.
I wasn't there more than two minutes before our roles as adult and child switched. An obnoxious drunk began pestering me, and making lewd comments. I ignored him and cast my eyes away. A wary group of 6- to 8-year-olds watched the drama unfold. Finally, one of the boys walked up to me, tugged on my jacket and asked, "Lady, is that man bothering you?
The child wandered over to the man, quietly reasoned with him, and my tormentor stumbled away. The children looked at me kindly, the way a rich child might reach out to a child who has no food. I could read the message on their faces, "We hope this woman will be able to make it through the rest of our day."
That experience dramatically changed my life because it made me reconsider the labels I so freely used to define "other" people, especially those who fell short of societal standards. No doubt there was a disadvantaged person on the street corner that day, but it was the woman with the bachelor's degree and not the children from the projects.
Never again as a journalist would I refer to these students as "poor" or "disadvantaged" because I truly saw the injustice in describing only what they lacked, but never what they had gained.
It took a child to teach a journalist that even those who live in poverty have resiliency, survival skills, wits, intelligence, and abilities that give them distinct advantages, at times, over their better-educated peers.
The terror swirling around the sniper shootings in the affluent communities in Washington, Maryland, and Virginia made me think about these children and their advantages a lot lately.
News shows raced to educate parents on helping sons and daughters cope with fear. Schools closed their doors or locked students inside. Recess and football games were cancelled. People stayed home from work, and the economy dipped as malls, restaurants, and movie theaters lost customers to a competitor with whom they could not compete: fear.
Meanwhile, in urban areas like Washington, Philadelphia, New York, Boston, Los Angeles, Chicago, Dallas, and Houston, where violence and fear are in permanent residence, children continued to play outdoors and, on occasion, even take a standagainst evil.
In Philadelphia in September, an 11-year-old walked into a police station to report a terrible crime. The boy said his father made him sell bags of marijuana on street corners, and when he cried that he didn't want to do it anymore, he had been beaten unmercifully. Fed up, he took it upon himself to turn his father in. Strangers called him a "hero."
Who among us wouldn't desire our children to be so brave, so self-reliant, and so principled? Or to have the heart of Carnell Dawson Sr. and his wife, Angela, of Baltimore who were killed along with five children in an arson fire that police said was set in retaliation for the family's efforts to rid their neighborhood of drugs? The Dawsons were freedom-fighters. If we measured people by character instead of assets, they'd be considered wealthy folk.
My point is that every person and every group is advantaged and disadvantaged in some way.
So, when we use labels, let's use them with care. We have to stop and consider whose yardstick we use to measure others. When we measure others using our yardstick, they tend to come up short. When they measure us with their yardstick, it is we who may end up looking feeble.
Every human being has strengths and weaknesses. That is a lesson we can learn from children if only we take a moment to see the world through eyes of innocence.
Linda S. Wallace, a former journalist, is a Philadelphia-based cultural coaching consultant and author of the advice column 'The Cultural Coach.'
Somewhere along its winding journey, diversity got a bad reputation. It began when folks began to equate diversity with problems, rather than solutions: Be careful what you say because people might get offended. Don’t tell people how you truly feel because it will make them mad. Hire diverse employees so you don’t get into trouble.
The smart companies and insightful people never took this detour down frustration lane. Rather the healthcare companies and medical profession moved over to a street called cultural competence, which is a skill set that enables you to work effectively across racial, religious, and generational fault lines.
When we lack cultural competence, we might look at the situation unfolding in Gaza and decide either 1) Israel is completely wrong or 2) the Palestinians are completely wrong. As is true with most controversies, neither side owns right or wrong. You need to understand and acknowledge all viewpoints to find answers - no matter how much you hurt.
Most of us, however, see only what we want to see, and hear only what we want to hear.
A newspaper without diversity on staff will not understand the cultural nuisances in its communities well enough to explain local issues. A marketing department without diversity cannot develop advertisements that resonate with stakeholders who see the world differently. A group of problem solvers will not be able to delve deep enough into assumptions and beliefs to find solutions and compromises.
When elected officials shut down diversity programs, as they have done in Texas, we have to wonder. I can understand shutting down programs that promote one cultural group or a specific set of beliefs over another. I am against discrimination, and believe we all need to understand the cultures of whites, African Americans, Latinos and Asian Americans. If Blacks can celebrate their heritage, European Americans should be able to tell us about their ancestors and customs too.
When you threaten to take diversity out of the equation, however, you are endangering your future. The diversity will continue but it will move forward unmanaged, and without leadership.
In environments lacking diversity, you shut down your capacity to find the best solution, identify compromises, and communicate your messages to the broadest audience. Texas, where is the advantage in doing that?
Be the best Texas you can be by letting each person be the best they can be. It's that simple.
The labels people pin on you are among the worst part about getting old: Dearie, Dear, and, of course, old man or old lady.
So how might we address strangers, especially those with whom we may wish to bond or show respect? In the African American culture, young people often refer to elders by their first names. At work, more people call me, “Miss Linda” than Linda. A man would be addressed in similar fashion: "Good morning, Mr. Donte."
On a recent flight, I sat next to a gentleman who appeared to be around my age. He appeared agitated from the moment he stepped onto the Southwest plane in St. Louis. Later he confided that he was on his way to Las Vegas to care for his ailing 91-year-old father. He and his brother had been taking turns caring for their dad, and he was flying into the city for his six-week stint.
Because he traveled frequently, he had to sacrifice some comforts that were important to him: for example, pets, and a garden.
I admired him for the sacrifices he had chosen to make.
As the long flight delay continued, and, as the plane sat on the tarmac, my seatmate grew angrier. The pilot had told us we needed to have the wings de-iced because they had iced up during the previous leg of the flight. When my seatmate checked his phone, it showed the ground temperature outside was 41 degrees.
Obviously, he had not heard, or he had forgotten, the pilot's explanation. He began yelling in a loud voice to no one in particular : " It is 41 degrees outside. Why the delay? You don't need to de-ice planes in 41 degree weather."
A flight attendant came over and made matters worse by asking the man if he was a pilot, and if he had his pilot’s license? “Let’s let the pilot fly the plane,” she suggested. Of course, that encounter made his madder. (Why not just repeat the pilot's explanation?)
Eventually, the flight crew kicked the guy off the plane. Afterward, passengers around me jumped on their phones to gossip: “They kicked this crazy old man off the plane,” I heard more than a few people say. Imagine how every old person on the plane felt right then. How many of those people would have said, "They kicked this crazy young guy off the plane?"
Here’s what I saw: A stressed out man, caring for his dad, who probably had reached the point where he needed someone to care for him. What I saw was a guy who possibly was in the early stages of dementia. One of the most common symptoms: Forgetting recently learned information i.e. the pilots explanation. Yelling things to no one in particular could be another symptom.
Are flight crews trained to tell the difference between bad behavior and dementia?
Later on, while serving drinks, the same flight attendant smiled at me sweetly and compounded her sins by asking: “What can I get you, dear?”
You see, that's the thing about stereotypes. Once our cultural shades come on and our stereotypes about people, groups or religions take hold, we have blind spots. We are far more likely to do or say the wrong thing.
Here is my truth: Stereotyping people makes them act badly.
What comes first, the stereotype or the bad behavior? That's a question we could ask about regions in Africa, the Middle East, and Russia- Ukraine - all ravaged by war and violence.
Americans are not listening to each other, which is sad, because we all have something of great value to contribute to the national conversation. Over the years, I have talked to people from diverse political perspectives. As we celebrate the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I would like to share these messages with you:
Let's make Jan.15, 2024 a day of listening.
Trump Supporters Say: This nation no longer is a meritocracy where hard work and civic responsibility will provide you and your family with a good life. People in higher income areas often get special privileges: better schools, safer housing, and more freebies from companies desiring to do business with them. Poor and working class people often pay the highest prices, and sometimes, the most taxes. Minorities have well-organized groups that advocate for them to ensure they get their fair share but who advocates for the lower-income and working-class whites who are being left behind?
African American Youths Say: We prefer a hand up to a handout. If we had a fair and level playing field, we could get the things we need by ourselves. Charity helps but it is not a solution to our problem. Only opportunity enables us to rise. Charities donate money, clothes, even school books yet many liberal urban cities - Democratic strongholds - continue to send us to schools that are toxic, dangerous and harmful to our health. That is why some of us are looking to former president Donald Trump for help. We are clever, creative, and smart - just look at our influence on popular culture. Think of what we might accomplish if we were given a chance to learn and fully contribute in the economy.
Progressives Say: America is a community of diverse citizens who are this country’s greatest strength. We need to act upon the greater good, not individual self-interests. Everyone matters. Everyone deserves a good quality of life.
Young People Say: Even as children, we must worry about the world. We are destroying the planet and our children will pay the greatest price. We are scared that we are destined to live in a world where authoritarians rule and the rich are the only ones who have a safe environment or a means to escape the planet.
Baby Boomers Say: We know the world is in a sorry state but most of us did our best. We are the generation who put our lives on the line in the fight for human rights. We didn't kill those oppressing us rather we put ourselves in harm's way to change the public's mindset. Many of us died, and some were murdered while advocating for our causes. The Civil Rights Movement forced this country to honor its commitment to individual rights and protected democracy at a crucial moment in history. Please don't say we don't care.
Conservatives Say: Spend, spend, spend! We can’t continue to pass the bills along to the next generation. We have to live within our means. Americans should be able to share and promote our religious values outside of their homes. My religion is to me what your pet is to you. I want to talk about it, and share my joy. What if we decided everyone had to keep their pets indoors because they offend some people? What if we couldn't talk about pets at public meetings or in the workplace? We, too, feel that our rights are being taken away.
Anyone else want to share when you heard when you listened to others in your community?
I'm listening.
As I reread this Cultural IQ post from the 2008 presidential election, I find myself wondering if Americans in 2024 are using this column as their guide. I was kidding, folks.
Here are the guidelines I proposed:
1) Instead of seeking a discussion of facts or truth, shut down the conversation right away by announcing you take offense at a remark. This tactic makes you the center of attention. Communication now is focused on your beliefs rather than on a discussion of the original speaker's statement. It is a verbal version of the old bait-and-switch routine. Use it as often as you can.
2) Never ask open-ended questions to clarify another speaker's position and promote discovery. For example, you would never say: "I want to be certain that I understand your point. Am I restating your position correctly?" Questions such as these remove you from the spotlight.
3) Always attach labels to others and throw around words such as elitist, racist, conservative or liberal when describing them. This transforms conversations into chess games of defensive maneuvers. All productive communication shuts down, making dialogs a game of skill rather than an free exchange of ideas and opinions.
4) Don’t listen with the purpose of understanding a speaker’s intent. Instead create confusion and misunderstanding by questioning their motives and explaining what they really meant.
5) Call in the media to provide around-the-clock interpretation and analysis. This is helpful to them as it serves to build larger audiences and help ratings.
6) When responding to ideas you don't happen to agree with never EVER say: "That's an interesting take on the issue. However, I see it a bit differently. Might I explain?" After all, the purpose of communication is to gain power or seek a better position, not to better understand one another's backgrounds and cultural challenges.
7) After a speaker admits making a mistake and offers you an apology, steadfastly refuse to move forward in the conversation. The longer you stay in the spotlight, the more points you earn. If the public gets turned off, well, there are fewer votes to count on election day. You won't have to stay up so late.
8) When discussing mistakes, never ever use yourself as an example. It is better to criticize opponents, critics or family members than to share your mistakes and life lessons. Parents use this tactic all the time. A parent who used drugs as a teen might say to his child: “Don’t use drugs because you might end up like Uncle Paulie. He's done awful things to this family.”
9) Attack leaders who are not in the same room. This is a good way to win an argument. OK, so it shuts down meaningful communication and creates opportunities for cultural tensions and unrest. Fortunately, you can then tell others, "We are in a real mess. I'm just the person to solve these problems." (This tactic works with humans as well as dogs, I've discovered. If dogs aren’t in the same room, they ignore you so you can always get the last word. )
10) Whenever possible, focus the conversation on what’s wrong with (1) the world, 2) your family, 3) your neighbors or 4) the nation) rather than on America's shared strengths. If I held a dialogue to discuss racial problems, hundreds of people would show up. If we held a dialogue to discuss how talented and intelligent cultural families might build a community where all have rights, my dog might attend. And she is going to want treats. So attack, attack, attack. If fewer people are in your discussion circle, you'll have more time to talk.
While grocery shopping this week, I met a handsome, personable African American man at my neighborhood Giant who asked me if I was a celebrity, either an actor or musician. I’m still smiling. I actually blushed. As you age, people don't always see you. You become invisible.
Most of the time, African American youth are employed as security guards at the front of the retail stores. It is so rare to see them working behind cash register and interacting with customers. And this store was in a predominantly white area.
We chitchatted about my purchases (plants and flowers) and about the New Year. He was confident, and so friendly. I was in awe. I could tell he was nervous. But he found the language to connect with me, and the customers in line behind me.
When he got hired, there was no announcement on the news. Yet this young man is breaking down barriers. He may not have looked like a Jackie Robinson or Arthur Ashe, but his breakthrough was important to all the youth seeking access to opportunity.
Being the first in your community, religion or cultural group to hold down a particular job, no matter what the occupation, is difficult and it often is accompanied by heavy responsibilities. If you fail, the door sometimes shuts behind you and no one else can get in.
I encounter barrier breakers all across our city. There is the young white woman who rides the bus into the impoverished neighborhood each day to support the people living there. The affluent student who is taking the first two years of college classes at a community college to gain cultural competence. The kinship care givers who raise and support other people’s children. The friends who visit each other churches to experience various religions.
Typically, the people we honor typically have titles, or large incomes, or glamourous jobs. What if we also honored the barrier breakers who change the world by taking risks and striving for excellence?
I am reminded of the story I found a few years ago about a customer in a bakery who left a $50 tip for a clerk who had engaged him in a conversation about quantum physics. He encouraged her to use it to return to college and complete her education. She enrolled in Community College of Philadelphia that same week, and, and a couple years later, won hundreds of thousands of dollars in scholarships enabling her to transfer to an elite school.
It turns out, the generous man who gave away that tip was just visiting Philadelphia. He, however, knew just what to say.
The messages we send to the youth in this city really matter. Read the article by Susan Snyder here:
Let's become the next good Samaritan to change a life.
Communication Objectives & Goals:
Strategies That May Help:
Strategies That May Divide:
Minimizing Risks:
Powerful Responses:
Transformational Phrases in Public Communication
"We must choose to live as a united people rather than as a divided nation"
Linda S Wallace