Cultural IQ

How to Have A Difficult Conversation Where Everyone Wins

While riding a crowded subway to work, I sat next to a man who was anti-immigrant. He ranted publicly about 'those people' sneaking into the country, and the chaos they bring. 

Most folks cast their eyes away from him  I was seated next to him.

"I happen to see it differently," I said in a calm voice. "I happen to value diversity, and the fresh perspectives and new skills that each group brings to this nation." 

He was pleasantly surprised by my tone so a deeper conversation began. I would discover that the man was a cancer survivor who was returning to work for the first time in months. We both had big days ahead of us, though for different reasons.  He was nervous about coming back to the office and the reception he might receive. I had a big media event to handle at my college.

As we talked about the challenges we were about to face, we bonded briefly. Our collective sense of dread and uncertainty had provided an opening where we could be fellow human beings rather than political opponents.  <.

I have often thought about my seatmate, and how differently that conversation might have gone had I reacted to his comments by yelling at him, canceling him, or provoking an argument.

We both made the decision to simply acknowledge and accept each other's beliefs, rather than attempt to score points for our side Everybody on that train ended up with a nicer commute and, let's hope, a more productive day.

It is possible to disagree and yet still thrive.

 

Airing Differences In a Heated Time of Debate

Some of the most crucial conversations may occur between perfect strangers who meet online, at coffee shops, on playgrounds or at neighborhood meetings. These discussions often arise unexpectedly, in very casual ways.

The better prepared we are for these chance encounters, the more successful we will be in getting across our viewpoints. After all, people are more likely to listen to friendly and knowledgeable cultural ambassadors.

Successful dialogues require patience, a sympathetic heart and good communication skills. Competent cultural facilitators allow others to explain their beliefs and ideas. They ask thoughtful questions. They use civil voices to express outrage. They also practice self-control.

When we begin making nasty or offensive comments, however, we notify others that we aren't yet ready for primetime dialogues.

Below I've outlined a few techniques that allow us to effectively air differences and persuade our opponents.

• Choose our words carefully.
Language is a currency that can be used to build or to demolish relationships. Use words to lay a strong foundation. Talk in a way that promotes healing and honest conversations. Respect, understanding, common ground and empathy are words  and themes that help inquiring minds stay open. Destruction, divisiveness, evil and hate are words that separate us and lead listeners to pick sides. Communicate in a manner that leads to productive results.

• Explain what we stand for.
We can win more friends and arguments by explaining what we stand for, rather than by talking about the things we oppose. Examples: We should not say that we are against racism; instead, tell others that we seek a nation where all people can excel. Don't say we are against religious discrimination; instead, say we value freedom. Don't say we are against the use of such cultural names as African-American; instead, say we are for a cohesive nation where all communities feel they are Americans.

• Practice the art of inquiry.
Ask thoughtful questions calmly. If we are trying to win the argument, then we aren't really listening — are we? So put aside all thoughts of victory. When we truly listen to opposing views, we show that we care about the issues. When people know we care about them, they listen to us.

• Invest our time well.
Don't spend a lot of time trying to change people who haven't altered a major position or opinion in 20 years. Instead, identify open-minded folks who continuously look for challenges. To advance racial, cultural and religious dialogues, we need skilled facilitators who can push us to grow. Whenever possible, participate in conversations that encourage self-reflection.

• Walk our talk.
Identify our own issues and fix them. Next, share our spectacular strategies with others. Instead of voicing constant complaints about other people or groups, let us count all the ways we are making life better for them. People who continuously blame outsiders for problems within their cultural group lack the credibility needed to influence others.

• Focus on our group first.
Diversity movements get stuck because cultural communities frequently strive to fix other groups before focusing on their own weaknesses. Some black people think white Americans need to change. Some white Americans think Latinos should change. Christians ask Muslims to change and vice versa. Cultural leaders should focus on changing behaviors among their own group's members.

• Perform cultural audits.
Members of diverse societies must upgrade their skills sets. We need new maneuvers for our playbooks. Cultural audits enable us to determine when our actions are inconsistent with our words or intentions. Audits expose our hidden biases.

Listening Can Change Our Lives, and Our Futures

                               

Americans are not listening to each other, which is sad, because we all have something of great value to contribute to the national conversation. Over the years, I have talked to people from diverse political perspectives. As we celebrate the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I would like to share these messages with you:

Let's make Jan.15, 2024 a day of listening.

Trump Supporters Say: This nation no longer is a meritocracy where hard work and civic responsibility will  provide you and your family with a good life. People in higher income areas often get special privileges: better schools, safer housing, and more freebies from companies desiring to do business with them. Poor and working class people often pay the highest prices, and sometimes, the most taxes. Minorities have well-organized groups that advocate for them to ensure they get their fair share but who advocates for the lower-income and working-class whites who are being left behind?

African American Youths Say: We prefer a hand up to a handout. If we had a fair and level playing field, we could get the things we need by ourselves. Charity helps but it is not a solution to our problem.  Only opportunity enables us to rise.  Charities donate money, clothes, even school books yet many liberal urban cities - Democratic strongholds - continue to send us to schools that are toxic, dangerous and harmful to our health. That is why some of us are looking to former president Donald Trump for help. We are clever, creative, and smart - just look at our influence on popular culture. Think of what we might accomplish if we were given a chance to learn and fully contribute  in the economy.

Progressives Say: America is a community of diverse citizens who are this country’s greatest strength. We need to act upon the greater good, not individual self-interests. Everyone matters. Everyone deserves a good quality of life.

Young People Say: Even as children, we must worry about the world. We are destroying the planet and our children will pay the greatest price. We are scared that we are destined to live in a world where authoritarians rule and the rich are the only ones who have a safe environment or a means to escape the planet.

Baby Boomers Say: We know the world is in a sorry state but most of us did our best. We are the generation who put our lives on the line in the fight for human rights. We didn't kill those oppressing us rather we put ourselves in harm's way to change the public's mindset. Many of us died, and some were murdered while advocating for our causes. The Civil Rights Movement forced this country to honor its commitment to individual rights and protected democracy at a crucial moment in history. Please don't say we don't care.

Conservatives Say: Spend, spend, spend! We can’t continue to pass the bills along to the next generation. We have to live within our means. Americans should be able to share and promote our religious values outside of their homes. My religion is to me what your pet is to you. I want to talk about it, and share my joy. What if we decided everyone had to keep their pets indoors because they offend some people? What if we couldn't talk about pets at public meetings or in the workplace? We, too, feel that our rights are being taken away.

Anyone else want to share when you heard when you listened to others in your community?

I'm listening. 

A Word That Packs An Emotional Punch

Diversity is a word that packs such emotional power that it can shut down an agreeable conversation faster than we can say: Why can't we all just get along?

I am struggling to eliminate thi s word from my vocabulary, as I do with all words that serve to keep me from listening to others and others from hearing me.

While it would be fun to blame the anti-diversity backlash on the conservatives, it would be unfair. This word developed a poor reputation in wide circles because a misguided few have used it as a weapon to force others to adopt their views. Diversity, oddly enough, became linked to political correctness, which is, in reality, an anti-diversity movement.

Oh, well. We all make mistakes. They only hold us back if we refuse to acknowledge them and study the lessons. Lately, there have been a multitude of cultural missteps around us, which provides us with teachable moments. After all, culturally competent folk don't need to step in mud to figure out detours may be advisable. Below are a few errors we may wish to ponder:

•People often use the words "racist" and "biased" interchangeably, even though these words have different meanings. We can be biased without being a racist. Our cultural lenses prompt us to make automatic assumptions about people, which demonstrate a bias. But biases can be managed, with practice.
•We seek consensus from racial dialogues rather than insights into another's perspectives. Freedom does not require conformity; rather, it requires the skills to disagree productively and a belief that, in the end, things will turn out all right.
•We fail to perform regular cultural audits to determine if our actions are aligned with our deeds. We say one thing, but fail to support our words by making the tough choices. Our actions speak for us.
•We make ourselves more important by claiming to speak for lots of people we don't know. Recently, a reader wrote me to explain how members of his cultural group feel about an issue. I can't speak for my African-American family, and I should not believe anyone who attempts to persuade me that he or she has that ability.
•We let our fears control us. Many of us have racial or religious concerns and issues, but we lack the communication and conflict resolution skills that allow us to have fruitful dialogues. It is possible to express cultural or religious concerns: we need to stick to our feelings, and refrain from attacking or blaming other groups.
•We grant ourselves immunity whenever critics make accusations. Instead, listen to diverse advisers, and take time to perform a cultural audit. When we angrily shrug off remarks, we shut the door on growth. OK, criticism stings. We tend to resist it even more when race is involved. One day a college professor tells us we are not fully prepared for class. Do we rise and say, "How dare you say that to me?" Or, do we stop and reflect upon his or her words? People who actively seek to stay the same unintentionally shut the door on knowledge and progress. Culturally competent people view mistakes as a gateway to opportunity.

Leading Conversations That Lift Us All

 Everybody's talking but is it taking the country or the global village anyplace new or different?

How many everyday dialogs identify pathways for new collaborations or new ways to view old challenges? Whether you are talking to others at an occupation or at a tea or coffee party, check out these guide posts and keep moving forward.

 Liberty Lights, as I call them, are ordinary people who made a commitment to leading community conversations online with grace, diplomacy and skill. They seek to engage neighbors and each other in efforts to increase community capacity, learn through mutual support and care, and create a tone and culture for holding meaningful dialogs.

1.  Ask powerful questions that seek to stimulate curiosity, unlock creativity and encourage others to examine their hidden assumptions, beliefs and biases. Transform dialogs into experiential learning opportunities. The questions below are designed to help you facilitate a thought-provoking conversation: Tell me your life story so I might better understand your beliefs. Who are you? (Explores partisan differences) Imagine we got it right. What steps did we take as a nation to reach consensus? (Helps stimulate creativity and curiosity) Could we take inventory of all the assets in our community and then decide how to bring the talents of those on the margins into the mainstream?  Where did you get your information from? Who is your source? (Demands accountability) As William Edwards Deming, the American statistician and management guru said, "In God we trust; all others bring data."

2.  Reflect on the following: What we know. What we don't know. What we don't know we don't know.

3.  Use universal sources that are likely to be accepted by broad audiences. Try to gather facts and statistics from a wide variety of news sources, books and experts. Sources must have credibility with the audience you seek to persuade. 

4.  Use words that inspire trust and develop avenues for collaboration and compromise. 

5.   Treat relationships as a form of currency: Maintain a diversified portfolio.

6.   Learn one surprising fact every day. Generously give away these gems to strangers. The more you share, the greater your return.

7.   Audit  your cultural assumptions and beliefs regularly to ensure they aren't limiting your ability to see truth or reality clearly.  

8.    When examining opponent’s arguments ask yourself: What is it they know that I don't know? 

9.    Embrace civility as a community and global investment strategy. As Mary Wortley Montagu says, "Civility costs nothing, and buys everything." We don't to agree but we ought to try to leave open the door to change.

 10.   Challenge a colleague's facts or conclusion, but never his or her character or grammar. 

11.  Refrain from using derogatory and offensive words that keep others from seeing how wise you are. 

12.   Model Cultural Competencies. Cultural competencies include: active listening, empathy, cultural awareness and knowledge, tolerance of ambiguity and more.

13.   Carry your culture into dialogs with you but don't let it hold you back. Keep in mind your beliefs, values and customs are but one book in the global library. Each volume offers fascinating life lessons. Individualists, who believe decisions should be based upon what's best for the individual, and collectivists, who believe decisions should be based upon what's best for the community, will often disagree. Combine both lenses, and a community gains a deeper understanding of the challenges.  

 Credits.: Making a Difference in Memphis Workshop 

Appreciative Inquiry: Asking Powerful Questions : Kansas Coalition Against Sexual And Domestic Violence